Disconnecting.

I hate being so far behind on my blog.  Mostly because I tend to forget the little things about the days I'm posting about and the whole reason I blog is to preserve the little things.

I just wanted to do a very quick real time check in as I don't know that I will have time to blog this week.  Andrew's birthday is on Saturday and I haven't even sent out invitations. (!)  We went on a wonderful vacation to the beach and I've had trouble getting my brain back in gear!

8 days in a beautiful house on the beach...it was such a treat.  We did puzzles,

 

played games,

 

 played on the beach,

 

 walked to the tide pools (and were nearly blown away in the process, the wind blew HARD most of the time).

 

But above all, we relaxed.

 

Sure we cooked, cleaned up, did some laundry...but to wake up in the morning and mosey downstairs, help with breakfast and then just do whatever you want....was amazing.  Dan and I haven't done lengthy vacations by ourselves since having kids.  A night (or two if we're lucky) here and there are treasures.  But it isn't really long enough to truly disconnect and mentally slow down.  But now that the kids are older, this vacation (which we've done before) has become easier.  I mean, I was able to read! The  kids were allowed on the beach (at the foot of the house) without us (we had windows facing the ocean from which we could watch).  It was wonderful.  It was the first time since before we had kids that I felt this disconnected from life and really slowed down.



I did one blog post.  And downloaded some pictures onto my computer.  Had a little bit of fun one day with facebook while we were out and about, but other than that, I was disconnected most of the time.  And it was great.

 

I have to say, I didn't expect coming home to be such a hard transition.  But to taste the luxury of an extended period of time where we could step away and slow down (I spent my down time reading, doing puzzles and playing games)...was so wonderful.  Dan and I came home and had my mom, uncle and Marcia stay over so we opened another puzzle.  Dan and I sat for a few nights after they left for hours piecing together the puzzle while we listened to movies like an old married couple.  It was so much fun.  And so relaxing.

 

Life with kids is busy.  There's just no way around it.  Everyone I know in this stage of life is running on full tilt.  Just trying to talk to my friends on the phone requires an appointment.   I'll play phone tag for weeks with some of my friends and if they're in a different time zone?  Even worse.  It's just the stage we're at.  (I do think it'll improve once all my kids are in school full time.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  I told Dan I could keep myself busy for probably 2 years with just trying to get caught up with everything I'd like to do around here once the kids are in school).  So to have this time of leisure was such a treat.  It was much needed.  Greatly appreciated (thank you, Mom!!!!!)  And felt so good.  It has been hard to step back into life.  Even summer time life, which is a very low key time of year in comparison to the school year.

I look back at photos and want to jump back in.  I think I said to Dan at least 50 times that week, "I love the beach."  I do.  I love the coast.  I love the first glimpse of the sand and waves when we arrive.  I love the smell of the air, the crashing of the waves.  The sand on my feet.  All of it.   Before kids, starting with our first anniversary, Dan and I went to the coast (mostly Cannon Beach) for all of our anniversaries.  It's a special place to us.

 

I look forward to blogging about our trip and enjoying the memories.

 

In the meantime, I have a birthday party to plan.....

Lenton Lessons & A Thank You

This photo is from St. Patrick's day.  You'll probably see it again on my St. Patrick's Day post.  It doesn't really go with this one but I'm too lazy to download anything off my camera right now!

Thank you for the sweet messages after my last post (prior to the birthday post).  We're all really okay.  I just really want this blog to accurately reflect our life.  I want to do that in such a way that I'm respectful of my children and yet, because I believe that we will come through all of these challenges someday in a positive way, I think sharing the hard days makes the successes even sweeter.  I feel like acknowledging the challenge and difficulty is an important part of the journey and the process we are going through right now.  Last week was a tough one.  And we have some things to work through and I am seeing that I am needing to advocate for Andrew in a new way, so I have another leg ahead of me before we sort of hit "cruise" control again.  It's just one of the bumpy parts of the journey, but I know it'll smooth out again.

It means a lot though, to have friends and family who love and support all of us like you do.  And I'm so glad that I made this blog private so that I could share authentically about our life in this way.

Now, about Lent.

Remember I was observing the Sabbath for Lent?

I did really well.  Up until yesterday.  But every other Sunday I didn't work around the house at all.  And it was hard.

It was really good though.  I learned quite a few things.  Here are some of them....

*  This was very good for my family.  Dan remarked that it felt like "a vacation every week."  It really did.  Compared to how we usually live life, this was a wonderful respite for us and really did help us feel more energetic, happier and ready to face the week.  It really did recharge us and made a difference in how we felt throughout the week.  Remarkably so.  It was food for the soul and I found myself really looking forward to it ~ especially near the end of the week!

*  I learned that I can do this and my life really won't fall apart.  At least not completely.  :)  Some Sundays it was really hard to ignore the tasks that begged my attention around the house.  (I actually felt relief when I was able to tend to them later!)  And Monday would arrive and I would be less prepared for the week than usual but I found that I could usually catch up throughout the week and felt like the rest was definitely worth it.

That being said, I did have to be very, very disciplined through the week.  I was mindful all week and especially on Saturday that Sabbath was coming and I knew I wouldn't have that time so I had to be more efficient and purposeful about what I was accomplishing each day so that I could have that day off and be as stress free as possible about it.  It required me to use my time very wisely.

*  Planning my week out ahead of time (my schedule, to dos and meal planning) was essential so I could hit the ground running and was able to allocate when I needed to do everything so that I was able to get it all done.  Or as much as possible.  "All" is never done.  I'd be more accurate to say, "...so that I was able to get a fraction of it done."

*  So here's my big "Ah-ha."  That is really probably not that big to others, but it's big for me.

Prior to Lent I had this idea that if I'm organized enough, or if I simplify enough, or if I (fill in the blank) enough, I'll be able to manage life with ease.  I'll get it all done.  My house will always be tidy and clean.  I will be well rested.  After trying many things I've learned that for me, at the stage that I'm at, with the ages my kids are, the schedule we have and the choices we make with how we spend our time....it is a fallacy.  The "ideal" in my mind just isn't possible. 

There just simply isn't enough time.  I'm pulled in too many directions right now, which is okay.  It's just the stage we're at right now.  And while I've made strides with being more organized, simplifying and streamlining a lot of things and have definitely seen improvement,  I just have to let go of this standard I have in my mind and give myself a little bit of grace.  Whether we rest on Sunday or not, there will always be more to do.

Because of that, I have to let it go and give myself (and my family) permission to rest.  Guilt free ~ even if there is still "more to be done".  Because if I keep putting off rest until everything is done or I'm just so worn out I can't physically go anymore (my usual way of doing things), I'm just tired all the time and we don't have regular down time as a family for leisure.  And you know what?  I'm still not on top of everything anyway, so we might as well rest and enjoy some down time!

*  I also just really enjoyed how the day felt.  It felt very set apart from the bustle of the week.  We would go to church, come home and change into comfortable clothes and relax as a family.  Life slowed down.  It really did feel like a vacation every week.  It was wonderful. 

So those are a few of the lessons I've learned.  Really the biggest, most important thing was how very, very restorative and healthy it was for me and my family and submitting to the fact that I just can't do it all right now and resting in spite of it.  And honestly, letting my perfectionistic tendencies go ~ and that's hard for me and my pride.  But I plan to try to keep the Sabbath from now on as best as I can.  Not just for me, but for my whole family.  We all  need it. And I highly recommend trying this yourself if you feel like it's an area you need to grow in.

39!

 

My self portrait at 39.

Thirty-nine.

Teetering on the precipice of 40.

It's an interesting experience getting older.  I remember my Dad saying to my Grandma Helen one day, who was in her 80s at the time, "There's a young lady inside those eyelids, isn't there, Helen?"

"Oh, yes."  She replied.

 That was really a learning moment for me.  One that I now feel I embody a bit.  I'm getting older, (not that I'm old by any means!  But looking 40 in the eye is a definite milestone!) and yet I don't feel mentally that I should be nearly 40.  Though I am noticing small things about my body that suggests I can no longer take health for granted...my hair falls out if I don't get enough Iron (I'm losing it again, to my dismay), my cholesterol continues to creep up and is on the verge of requiring medicine, after being nearsighted my whole life, I'm quickly losing my close up vision and it's harder to make the number on the scale budge downward...Some intentionality is definitely required.  And the need for that feels a little surreal as well.  Surely I'm not old enough for these things to be happening!  And though they are small things, it definitely suggests that I need to pay attention.

But there are things I really like about getting older as well.   The clear definitions of my values, and priorities in my mind and the confidence to live them out.  Feeling secure in who I am with little worry about what others might think.  (Though I do care about the opinion of those close to me whom I respect). And I just really like this phase of life.  I love the ages that my kids are at.  Though challenges present themselves, we are feeling more equipped for parenthood.  Dan and I have figured out how to successfully navigate marriage and are content in our relationship.  I feel grounded in my faith.  We have wonderful friends.  And despite the uncertainty that continues to plague other areas of our life...

Life is good.

So each day I step toward 40 feeling very blessed and happy with the life I lead.

I had a really simple but lovely birthday this year.

Dan got up and went to church with the kids, while Mom and I slept in after arriving home very late the night before.

Dan bought me this beautiful corsage.




After church, we met up at Hudson's for brunch.  Dan and the kids were already there and when I walked in they were all holding up signs that they made that said, "Happy Birthday Mama!"  It was so cute.

 

Though Matthew is growing up and is nearly 10, he still likes to sit on my lap.  He came to get a little lovin' during brunch.  I love his snuggles.



After we ate, we snapped a few photos by the Koi pond.

 

Kaitlin insisted on wearing this hat to church and carried this "parasol" around nonstop for days.




Dan asked me what I'd like to do for my birthday and I just wanted a lazy day at home.  Life is so busy and I'm always on the go, so it was a treat to just put on sweats and be at home.  The kids were invited to 2 different birthday parties this day, but we opted to give ourselves this day off from running around and had a family day at home.

We put a movie in and I sat on the sofa and worked on organizing the tens of thousands of photos on my hard drive.

Dan made beef stroganoff for dinner for me upon my request and then we opened gifts.  Kaitlin had been working so hard wrapping gifts for me.



She even decorated the bottom of the package with part of a Valentine's Day napkin.  :)



Inside one of the boxes there was this beautiful crocus.

 

The kids all made great cards and were excited to tell me all about them.

 

These were all the treasures Kitti gathered from around the house and wrapped for me.  So preicous.  Even spare buttons.  :)

 

Andrew worked really hard on his card and did some amazing writing.  I was so proud of him.

 

This is some of the best writing he's ever done.  I know he worked really hard on it, and that made it a special gift.

This photo makes me laugh.



It's just so our life.  Andrew wrestling inside of a blanket ~ Kaitlin in her silky pony PJs with her hat and the flower decorating the tea pot.

Matthew made me a wonderful card and gift as well, but sadly Dan didn't happen to have gotten a picture of it.
 
Mom thoughtfully brought a beautiful cake from my favorite bakery in Richland.  It was delicious.



Making a wish....



It was a quiet, and wonderful day spent with my family.

It Is Well With My Soul

Four and ½ years ago, as we were recovering from the surgery/shock of complications surrounding Kaitlin’s birth, absorbing the declining state of Dad’s health and anticipating the great loss that was to come, Dan lost his job.

“I lift up my eyes to the hills ~

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

The Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip~

He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you~

The Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm ~

He will watch over your coming and going

Both now and forevermore.”

~ Psalm 121

He wasn’t laid off due to cutbacks.  Or in some other benign way that is certainly no less stressful.

No, he was wronged. 

He worked for a man who made snap decisions.  Changed his mind on a whim.  And after 2 ½ years of intense stress, extremely demanding days and nights on the job resulting in glowing performance reviews and happy investors….Dan became the victim of the CEO’s impulsiveness and was laid off because the CEO woke up one morning and simply wanted to “go in another direction.”

Losing your job is never easy.  Losing your job out of nowhere, for no apparent reason in the midst of the worst economic recession since the Great Depression is a very bitter pill to swallow.  We were shocked, to say the least.  After all, if you work hard and do a good job, there are rewards, not punishments, right?

We’ve all been told, “life isn’t fair.”  And it isn’t.  But when it’s downright wrong, our insides cry out in anger for justice. 

Redemption.  

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.”

~ Genesis 50:20

We were (and still are) fortunate with Dan’s business contacts.  He set up his own business and began consulting while in search of a permanent position.  Since then, opportunities have come and gone.  Our hopes have been raised and dashed.  Dreams were pursued and denied.  The path has been painful and arduous. 

Dan’s field has suffered greatly in this economy.   The opportunities have been few.  Good (and local) opportunties even harder to come by, and nothing has been the right fit.  The situation Dan is currently in is not sustainable.  The company is in the process of being sold.  It is very possible Dan will loose his contract in that sale.

But we are not without hope.

“And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

~ Romans 5:2-5

When we first found ourselves in this position I remember the searing shock and fear that pierced my chest.  Much of my security (not my worth, that’s an important distinction) but I confess, my security came from our bank account statement.

We have been fortunate in that we have had provision through this time.  Not always consistent, as the mill where Dan works would shut down when business was too slow to run…there have been no paid holidays or benefits….we will never again take those things so thoughtlessly for granted.  But we have not known hunger as many families do.  We have continued to live a life more comfortable than many, though with an unstable employer and a constantly changing, uncertain future.

When we started this journey, anger and hatred filled my heart toward the man who put us in this situation.  I remember confessing to my pastor, “I hate him.”

His actions were cruel.   He hurt my husband.  And the anger boiled inside of me in a way that I had never felt before.

At times I have felt like a caged animal fighting with all my will and might against this situation to no avail.  And like a toddler who finally fatigues from a tantrum, I submitted unwillingly to my circumstances.

And I prayed.

And prayed.

And prayed.

Others prayed on our behalf.

I knelt by my bed and asked for God’s intervention.

I pleaded.

I cried.

Only to hear nothing.

More doors closed.

Paths blocked.

Dreams pursued and denied.

“Consider it a great joy, my brothers,

whenever you experience various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

But endurance must do its complete work,

So that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”

>~ James 1:2-4

For four and a half years we have done this.

I have read scripture and looked for meaning.

And my heart has found comfort.  But also frustration.

I have questioned praying to God for something that is dependent upon man’s free will to determine.

I have wrestled with God’s sovereignty.

How exactly does God fit into all of this?

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

I have found more questions than answers through this journey.

I’ve been waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not, for God to tie this up in a neat bow so that I could shut the door and move on.

Check the box.

Lesson learned.

I have been desperate for closure.

And then I read something recently that struck a chord. 

“We see the scope of the biblical story unfold before us, situated, as we are, some two thousand years after it ended.  But the characters we read about did not have the vantage point we have now because they were inside the story.  There is so much they did not know, so much they could not see. They were as ignorant and confused as a detective at the beginning of a mystery novel.  Like that detective, they had to piece together various clues that seemed more confusing than clarifying.  Still, they chose to believe that their lives were caught up in a bigger story.  They chose to trust God and follow him into an unknown future, however slim the evidence of a bigger story that could make sense out of their little ones.” ~ Jerry Sittser A Grace Revealed  (Emphasis, mine).

I could relate to this feeling of having to hold on to blind faith.  I have already learned the lesson that God is working in the midst of things even when we are too close to see it.   It is often better seen and understood at a distance, in retrospect.  I have been trying to be patient in that knowledge. 

And yet, I struggled. 

A struggle that I never before considered would be shared by those who walked closest to Jesus.   And though my life is small compared to the first disciples, I trust that somehow my story is still significant and just like they did so long ago, I choose to trust God with our hazy future.

Apart from the unknowns, there are lessons that from this vantage point I can already see.

I have learned to make prudent plans and choices, but above all, my faith and security is placed in God.

I have learned to let go of control and daily fear over this undefined, uncertain future.

I have learned to let go of the urge to cling to what I have, and continue to give faithfully through uncertain times.

And just as with other difficult situations, the gratitude in my heart for the blessings we do have has multiplied exponentially.  Gratitude floods my heart daily for the simplest of things.

There has been a slow and steady pruning of my heart through these years, but only very recently, has an inexplicable peace started to settle in. 

Not because our circumstances have changed.

They haven’t.

Not because we have more concrete direction.

We don’t.

The potential still exists that we might have to move from our community and church that we love so much.  And that breaks my heart.

But when I went to bed last night the words, “It is well with my soul” floated into my mind.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Though has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

A beautiful hymn that we sing in church from time to time.

A hymn that I have wanted to embody, but couldn’t.  Because it is less about a state of mind, and more about a transformation of faith ~ and some of us might take a little longer to be transformed than others.

But it is in moments like this where I feel grateful to be pressed.  To have to dig deep and persevere, because it is only in moments like this that I have found God to meet me in a way that doesn’t happen when life is good and I’m not seeking him so diligently.

But unexpectedly, and inexplicably, after four and a half years….

“It is well with my soul...”

…became not just words that I sang off key in church, but a conviction in my soul.

And then I opened a birthday card at lunch today that Dan delivered to me from one of my closest friends.  Within the text, what did I see?  She too, had written the words,

“It is well with my soul.”

I had the luxury to do some more reading after lunch today.  And in my reading I found the questions that provoked the explanation to the feeling I had in my heart that started my writing today.

It came from the question of redemption.  That nice bow tied up tight that I’ve been seeking, the righting of this wrong that I have been burning for…

”What can and should we expect from redemption?....“Is a positive outcome really the point?  Is happiness the proper goal?  Is that what we can and should expect from God?  It seems right, on the surface of things.  Who doesn’t desire a happy ending?”  ~ Jerry Sittser, A Grace Revealed  (emphasis mine)

And there, I received my grace.  My redemption.

Not in the form of a great job that would keep us from relocating.

Not in the form of justice over the initial wrong.

Not the “happily ever after” that makes me such a fan of Walt Disney.

No fanfare.

Quite simply…peace.

And contentment amidst uncertainty.

In the words of Paul….

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

 ~ Philippians 4:11-13

I don’t claim to have the faith that Paul had when he wrote these words.

Nor do I predict to never worry or grow weary over this again.

But today, while I am still hopeful for resolution, I am also content.  Perhaps not as wholly and completely as Paul has described.  But with far greater peace than I ever thought I could feel in this situation.

While painful, this journey that has brought about necessary growth.  It has taken the scripture that is woven through this passage (which I have chosen because I have clung to these passages) ~ that one time were flat words printed on paper ~ and have brought dimension and life to them in a way that never otherwise would have happened. 

I still don’t know what God will do with this situation that we find ourselves in.

I don’t know how long this path is that still stretches beyond the horizon.

There very well could be greater challenges ahead with respect to this particular journey.  If there are, we will meet them and persevere.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.”  ~ Isaiah 41:10

But for now, I rest in the peace that transcends all understanding.

After four and a half long years I can finally say….

It is well with my soul.

On being hurried.

We celebrated the Bug's 5th birthday yesterday.

Five.

I could write a long lamenting post over that.  But I won't.

I really miss blogging more consistently.  I've struggled with it this year.  And here's the ugly truth about that.

Ready for this?

I don't have the energy that I used to.

I hate even typing that because well, it sounds old.  But it's the truth.

I've always been a high energy person, and so I get really frustrated when my body does not cooperate with what I want to do.  Dan has always said that I'm like a toddler...I go, go, go until I just crash and can't go anymore.  And I'm still like that.  The crashing part just comes a little earlier, a little harder and takes a little longer to recover from.  :)

So now that Kaitlin's party is over, I've crashed.  Unfortunately, my house (oh, my house!) has suffered greatly during the party prep and I think will require nearly nonstop attention to get it back in order this week.

I'm hoping to fit some more blogging in as well and try to make an attempt at getting caught up.

Life is just so busy right now.  And I don't say that in a way that to imply that I'm any busier than any of my friends with kids (and jobs!) as well.  We are all busy.  We all have different demands on our time that makes free time a precious commodity.   Not to mention, I am by nature a busy person.  If I had no commitments whatsoever, I'd be busy.

I think what I struggle a bit with right now is that my busy~ness is not flexible.  It's not as much by my own choice but dictated a bit by school schedules, OT, and just different needs of our family right now.  But I also know this is a season that will pass.  So I'm just trying to meet those needs so that the time spent will hopefully bear fruit and we can pass through and enjoy being busy in a different way. 

But in the midst of it all,  I'm trying to prioritize my time better.  (Hence the lack of blogging....)
And I'm trying to be less hurried.  I was inspired by our pastor one day last year when he challenged us to "ruthlessly eliminate hurry from our life."  I've thought a lot about that and I think it has such merit.  (I listed this goal in my last post).

Hurry creates frustration.  Impatience.  And Yelling.  (I loathe yelling).  It also creates a giant mess as things are dropped on the run.  Thrown in a pile.  Or worse, in a bag.  People don't feel valued when you're always in a hurry and never have time to really connect.  I forget things when I'm always in a hurry.  My mind feels scattered.

So while I know I'll always be busy, I'm trying to eliminate hurry whenever possible.  

I'm trying to....

Start getting ready to leave for things earlier.
Lowering my expectations as to what can realistically be done in a day.
Prioritizing my time better and doing what HAS to be done first.
Getting rid of "stuff" so I can be more efficient the the time that I have.
Not multitask as much and focus more.
Adopt a "lean and mean" mentality ~ doing less, but doing it well.
Take the time to plan my week out on Sundays so that I can anticipate what needs to be done earlier.
Not over schedule.  (This is probably the thing that helps the most and I've noticed has a huge impact on the frustration level in our home).

My house is a wreck right now because I took on too much for Kaitlin's party.  (I always get carried away even with the best intentions not to...but oh, it's such fun!)  But at the end, I was in a huge hurry to pull it all together and so things were thrown in closets, in the laundry room....in our room.  It's now a mess to sort out (after all of my organizing work!)   And I think this is where this post could transition to one on simplifying....Another challenge of mine!

I'm writing about this here to have some accountability.  I'm not expecting to never be rushed or hurried.  Things happen.  And really, it's a little bit of life with kids.  (You only have so much control over the pace that they move!)  But it's one of the areas that I hope to improve at this year.

And if I'm not going to end up in a hurry this morning, I have to stop writing this post and get ready for church!  :)

2013.

I love January.

It arrives at the perfect time after the happy holiday hub-bub.  I so easily fall into excess over the holidays.  Once it is over I crave order in my home, simplification of our schedule, and usually a diet!

I'm a goal setter by nature.   Always have been.

I'm a project starter.  (Not as good of a finisher, but I'm improving).

I'm a list maker and organizer.

I love the idea of a fresh start.  A clean slate.


I love the process of bringing order to disorder.  It is my therapy.  It clears my mind and gives me the feeling of having control over a small part of my world when there's so much that I have to "let go" of daily.

I don't think of January as a time to set resolutions as much as it is to take an inventory of my life and figure out what is working.  And more often, what isn't.

And doing the same with myself.  My health.  My habits.  My choices.

And a list eventually takes shape of a plan to move myself and my life (hopefully) toward a better version of what I am now.  Rarely do I achieve everything.  But I do inch forward.  I steadily make small progress toward goals.   

Recently, I found a list of life goals Dan and I made before we had children.  I was pleased to see some that we have accomplished that we could cross off.  I was surprised to see that many goals remain the same.  Others I could cross off simply for lack of interest.  Our vision has changed. 

I read the term "rooting year" recently.  As opposed to "flowering year."  Meaning, years in your life when you experience a change such as a new baby, a move, a job change.  It wasn't mentioned, but I would add a death to that list.  They are years where energy and efforts are mostly going toward growing roots...getting grounded and stabilized so that later, you can flower.

I could relate to that.  Dan and I definitely felt like we were uprooted in '08.  Completely.  It has been a long process of re-establishing roots.  Spiritually.  Emotionally.  Relationally.  There was really hardly an area of our life not uprooted in '08.

And slowly, steadily, we have grown roots.  It has taken longer than I'd like.  But the roots we've grown aren't shallow ones that run along the surface.

They run deep.  

I'm the weeder in our family.  I have "favorite" weeds and weeds I loathe.  My favorite weeds are the ones that have a single stem, and shallow roots and pull up with ease.  I hate the ones a with deep strong root that break off when I pull on them and then have to dig the root out with a spade.

I feel like that weed that I loathe in my garden.  My roots have grown slowly, but they run deep. And I am in fear of being uprooted right now, because I know the process would not be done with ease.  It would be quite painful.  But the possibility right now is real.

But I'm trying to surrender that fear and move forward into 2013 with faith and focus. 

The things that I've focused on during the last 4 years have been need-driven.  Either by my own personal needs or family members needs.  This year is no different.  Each year I know what needs to be done and it isn't really a choice as much as an internal pull.

This year, my goal is simply to live with discipline and intention.

Life is busy.
At times, too busy.
There isn't enough time to waste right now.

So my goal is really to be intentional with how I spend my time, resources, talents.  There is so much that I want to accomplish, and other things that I need to accomplish.

There are habits I need to break.  And others I want to form.

I want to live more simply.
I want less stuff.
I want to know God better.
I want to know God's word better.
I want my family to have more unstructured time spent together.
I want to "ruthlessly eliminate hurry."  (A challenge from our pastor this last year).
I want to multitask less and focus more.
I want to make healthy choices for my body and take better care of myself.
I want to have less, but experience more.
I want to serve others joyfully.
I want to observe the Sabbath.
I want to have a loving, heart of grace and look for the best in people.

I need to use my time wisely and be disciplined so I can dedicate myself to Andrew's increased therapy.
I need daily routines and habits so that the household runs smoothly through the week without the need for Sunday to be used as catch up.

These are the things I want to focus on.  These are the guidelines I plan to use to set specific goals ~ which Dan and I will decide on together (though a list is already forming in my head) ~ for the year.

I have a great start.  I've cleaned out most of my house.
I've started exercising again.  Not as much as I need to, but it's a start.
I've lost 4 of my holiday lbs and hope for a bit more.

I feel like I'm setting up the foundation in our home on which the rest of these goals can be built, and I'm excited about that.  It's time consuming and I haven't been as available in other areas of my life as I usually am, but I feel like this temporary sacrifice is important and will pay off.  ~ It already has.

So while I face 2013 with some real fear...I'm also excited.

I'm mostly excited for Andrew who is doing so well.  So well.  Don't get me wrong, there are still notes coming home from school and things to be addressed.  We still have a road ahead of us, but we're on the right track.  I'm seeing his body starting to respond to his OT ~ small sensory motor achievements.  And some pretty big behavioral achievements.  I am so excited to see him bloom this year.  I can't wait to celebrate more of his growth.  My heart just swells to think of it.

I'm excited for the changes I hope to make for us as a family.  I'm excited to see how that changes us and how we grow individually and together this year.

I'm praying for discipline.

For energy.  (Lord, I could use some more energy!) 

And I'm praying so hard that we can stay rooted.

And that we'll have a chance at last, to flower.

Checking In

Updated to add: A friend asked if I was planning on finishing our picture of the day for 2012, which I am, and I will be continuing to post here as well while I'm working on our clean out.  I'm not going completely on hiatus. :)  

Dan and I went to see The Hobbit over break.  We really enjoyed it and were inspired to watch The Lord of The Rings trilogy in the evenings after the kids went to bed.  It was such fun...Dan normally has to go to bed early as he gets up at 4:30 to go to work.  So it was a treat to stay up late together.   I had nightmares from the movies (those orcs scare me!) but it's a fun memory I forgot to record in my last post.
 

 

Here we are headed out for Christmas Eve church service.  What turned out to be my very favorite part of the whole Christmas holiday (the children had roles in the "living nativity").  But that's worthy of it's own post.  

Can I just pause here and point out the fact that my boys are wearing the same outfits that they wore to Christmas eve service last year?  This is some personal growth here...as I'm trying very hard to be more practical ~ though I know I'll never achieve complete practicality I am trying to move myself over toward the practical side of the continuum, as I currently reside closer to the other end....

I have many more fun holiday memories to record but I wanted to do just a quick "real time" check in.

The flurry of the holidays are over.  I don't mean to sound like a Grinch, but I'm relieved.   The last several months have been relatively intense in our house and the additional activity leading up to the holidays were honestly just a little hard for me this year.  Mom and I spent the entire day of the 27th in our PJs basically letting the children do and eat whatever they wanted.

I so needed that. 

Then a friend texted me and told me she was doing "40 bags in 40 days" for Lent.  (Getting rid of 40 bags of "stuff").

It just sparked something in me and even though Lent hasn't started, I knew I wouldn't have unscheduled days like this for months.  And being that I rested for a day and that's about all the down time I can handle, I jumped in with both feet.  For quite some time I have wanted to simplify our life in many ways.  Materially, being one of them.  I have a vision for changes I'd like to make in our life for 2013 (which I'm sure will go nothing like I have planned, because I'm finding that God just works that way), but I'm planning anyway and will adapt if necessary.

So, after I received that text, I nearly immediately went to work.  I have been working really hard ~ some days not even getting out of my PJs! ~ on cleaning out my house.  Ruthlessly, cleaning out my house.

I am SO done with stuff.  I feel like some days all I do is manage stuff.  And I am greatly determined to simplify our life to free up time and energy for other things in life.

No more holding on to something "in case" I need it "someday."  Do I really need 4 three ring binders in the closet waiting for me to put something in them?

No, thank you.

Not this girl.

Not anymore.

If I need a binder, I'll go buy a binder.

So far, we have cleaned out ALL of the children's toys.  The children's rooms have been gone through from top to bottom.  The boys assisted with their things, and are getting quite reasonable about this as we do this semi annually and I want them to have the ability to do this on their own some day.  I did Kaitlin's on the sly as she thinks she still needs everything.  I even cleaned out under the beds and tops of closets.  

I have cleaned out my desk, Dan and I have gone through our movies and I am currently working on the bonus room closet and built ins.  I am nearly done, which when I finish will feel SO good.  Since we moved into the house, the built ins have never been cleaned off.  They have always had some sort of pile of (mostly) photos, etc. on them. 

I have currently cleaned out twenty three bags.  23 bags!  That includes trash (broken toys, etc) and recycling.  The sad thing is, it has not been hard at all.  I'm not stopping at 40, I'll stop when I'm done with the house, but I'm curious to see how many bags later that will be...I might have to start borrowing bags....Good thing I'm a bit of a bag hoarder.  I still have a decent supply.

This weekend we are taking down the Christmas decorations and my plan is to go through all of my holiday bins stored under the stairs (which is something to behold) and clean all of them out as well as the closet.

I am so excited about this project and the changes I hope it makes in our day to day life.  I'm not stopping until every nook and cranny in this house has been purged.  I might have to pause to do Kaitlin's birthday.  But this project is really my focus.  I feel like life is so busy that it will not happen if I don't prioritize it and make it happen.  And it's important enough to me to do just that.

As I clean things out I'm thinking about changes I want to make in specific areas where I have too much...mainly kids clothing, okay, Kaitlin's clothing, and memorabilia ~ pictures, cards, scrapbooks, etc.  If you've read this blog for more than 2 seconds you know that I am a very sentimental person ~ and so I have a tendency to hang on to things related to my family and friends ~ I have every birth announcement, wedding program, children's photo, Christmas card, etc sent to me by my close friends & family.  And the pictures.  Oh, the pictures and cards.... I cherish these, but it can stop being a joy and become a burden when it's overdone and so I'm rethinking how I want to manage this area of my life.  I haven't figured it out quite yet, but I'm getting there.

One of the things I'm eliminating is my picture of the day.  I can't manage it right now and need to focus on other things.  I need to get caught up in other areas of life, and I honestly probably need to take fewer pictures.  So this is one things I'm eliminating this year.  I really love that project (Dan does too) and might do it again in 2014, but for now, it's something I need to let go in the name of simplifying.  One of the sacrifices I'm planning on making this year.  

And I'll write more about my plans for 2013 and how this project fits into that, but right now I have a bag to fill.... So if you need me in the next few weeks, you can find me hunkered down in a closet somewhere!

Thankful.

My poor blog.

It is such a mess.

Perhaps a little reflective of life these days.

For many weeks now (or perhaps months, now) I have felt like I've been scrambling from one things to the next, and while I dream of some time to sit and get caught up on this, I'm not sure when it will happen.

In fact, I've felt a little like this....



Being pulled down the path of life at a faster speed than I can quite gracefully handle at times. :) 

I still haven't had time to move photos off my hard drive so that I can download my camera.  (Hint, hint, honey).  I uploaded a few that are there just to keep this post fun.  Because photos just make everything more fun.

That is, if anyone is still even reading this sad little blog.

Much is brewing with Dan's job.  I'd like to share more on that, but have to get clearance first.  In the meantime, all prayers welcome.

We started a new dosing schedule for Andrew.  Same med, higher dose.  We're going to try a couple of different dosing schedules to see how he responds best.  That will take a few weeks to sort out.  My hope is by Christmas we can be settled in with that and done with our trips to the Psychiatrist.   He has been deemed an "Atypical" patient.  So future guesses as to how he'll respond are off the table.  But I am hopeful.   



I have the funniest story about taking Kaitlin shopping yesterday, but I have to download the photos first. I am writing it here so I remember to post it. We'll see if that actually helps.

I went and got my hair cut and colored yesterday by someone new. We cut a lot off of my hair where it had really thinned.  It's short again by necessity.  I basically let her do what she wanted.  It looks so much thicker again as she cut back to the new growth.  I'm going to go back to her and so now I have to figure out a way to break up with my hair dresser who has a daughter in Matthew's class.

Awkward.

I have so many fun photos on my hard drive of the "good stuff" in life, that I hope to post about soon.

Life is good.

Truly.

Despite it feeling crazy and too busy at times, I go to bed each night and feel like my heart overflows with blessings.  I'm humbled by the gifts I've been undeservedly given.

The children I have.

My spouse.

Our families.

A home.

I know it sounds trite.  But it's true.

We have walked some challenging roads in the last 4 years.  It has not been easy.  It has very much felt like a season of challenge for us.  I have kept waiting for the "end" to come.  When we can hit cruise control and not have something that falls in the "major life stress" category on our plate.  But I'm shifting my paradigm a bit and wondering if perhaps this isn't really a season of challenge, but perhaps just life.  And that's not such a bad thing.  We've had some extremely stressful and heart wrenching days.  But oh, so much happiness mixed in.  So much laughter.  So many smiles.  So many, many perfectly wonderful moments.  So many more blessings than trials.  Ups and downs and a lot of everything in between.

Life.

No different than everyone else in the world.

But the trials, even though they don't always feel like it at the time, in retrospect have been blessings too.  I'm grateful for the challenges of the past 4 years and the refining it has done and the people it has brought into our life in the process.  It has been hard.  And painful at times.  But so necessary for me.  I can now sit in the midst of uncertainty as a different person...with greater peace and trust in God than I ever imagined I could.  That's not to say that stress and fear don't creep in.  They most certainly do.  I still have a long way to go in this journey, but I take comfort in the path that I'm on.  In the small seed of faith that I have.  I can look back on the last 4 years at how God has redeemed so many of the challenges that we've faced, and apply it to both our present and our future.  I can trust that while our future most likely won't look like what I planned,  it is where we need to be.  I simply pray for God to direct our steps in the days ahead.

I think this new peace in the midst of uncertainty is perhaps what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.

On Health and Beauty, Books and ADHD...the topics of Insomnia

Oh my poor blog.

It's beginning to look like it has ADD.  :)

Can you even follow what is going on with all of the fipping back and forth?

Here's another real time post.

I was planning on writing this tomorrow, but I am in bed with a cold and can't sleep.  So I thought I might as well get a head start.  I can only lay and listen to my thoughts for so long before I have to just get up (or at least sit up) and do something productive.  I just hope my clicking keyboard doesn't wake Dan....

First, to all of those following my hair loss drama....I got my blood work back.  My thyroid levels were fine, so my medicine is at the right dose.  But I'm low on iron.  Of the possible reasons, this was what I was hoping for!  I did a little research and read a board about people who are anemic and hair loss is something that they've dealt with, so I am hoping that the supplement will help turn things around.  I was a little bummed reading about how long it takes, but am just grateful for what appears to be an easy solution.  I'm also encouraged that this is not how tired you are supposed to feel at 38.  So that was great news!  I have approximately 7 months of hair loss to grow back.  Now grow hair, grow!   (On a side note, I thought it was funny to read that "pale skin" was a symptom of anemia....perhaps I can blame my ultra white legs on that?)  :)

The other little tip I thought I'd share has to do with skin care.  My face had been breaking out horribly.  Dan had even noticed and commented on it...I was at the  point of going to the dermatologist and decided first to invest in a clarisonic.  You can read about it here.  I had heard great things about them but they are quite expensive and couldn't justify the cost...until I was looking at the cost of a doctor visit and whatever they would prescribe.  As I started to tell Dan about it to get his buy in, I only got a few sentences into my "sell" and he said, "I think you should get it."  Really, my skin was bad.  So I bought one at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale and it's fantastic.   I don't use expensive cleansers on my face ~ I use Cetaphil to wash my makeup off and then put Oil of Olay anti aging cleanser on my face (it has a bit of an exfoliant in it) and use the clarisonic with it.  And it has made a HUGE difference!  My skin is more clear, and less red...it's better than it has been in recent years.  So I thought I'd share that if anyone else is enjoying a second adolescence with their skin!  It was a worthy investment.  It is the same technology as the Sonicare toothbrush.

Tomorrow at 10:45 is my appointment with Andrew's pediatrician to talk about medicine.  My mind is swirling with what I have read about cerebellum stimulation, supplements, medicines, mind exercises to increase attention, and nutrition.  I took my book to my hair appointment the other day, as I always do for when I have to sit under the dryer.  My hair stylist asked "Do you always read to learn, or do you ever read for pleasure?"  I realized after she asked me that, that my books in recent years have been on ADHD, Sensory Integration Disorder, Parenting, and different faith based books.
This is my current (and favorite) ADHD read.

I realized how in recent year's I've felt so uneducated on topics that are really important to where I'm at in life.  I have squeezed in the Hunger Games and I'm a tad embarrassed to say, the Twilight series, which in my opinion weren't well written, but I couldn't keep myself from reading them through once I started.  And of course, a list of children's chapter books that I read with the kids each night.  The one I'm reading now with Matthew is this....

 

It's the first in a series and it's great!  

I went to Andrew's classroom last week and was able to talk with his teacher and help out.  He had a great day that day.  She really likes Andrew and had lots of positive things to say about him.  I haven't shared yet that we have a BIT meeting that will be in the next couple weeks to see if Andrew qualifies.  I forget what the B stands for, but it's an Intervention Team meeting.  She doesn't thing Andrew will qualify...she said he is reading above grade level, his math skills are at or above grade level, and she had some writing samples from class that while they weren't great, they are better than what is coming home in his planner each day.  She said his writing needs to be two standard deviations below normal to qualify for OT, and she doubts he will.  I am frustrated with that.  The OT will be at the meeting along with his kindergarten teacher, his teacher, the special ed teacher, the school psychologist, the school counselor, and possibly the principal, if her schedule allows.  So, we'll see what comes of it.  I did feel encouraged seeing him in class though.  He did quite well while I was there and was happy and engaged.

He also got a chance to play forward at the soccer game!  That was great.  And in fair reporting, Dan says that he has a good soccer coach and that someone might be a bit sensitive about her child.  In fact, Andrew and Dan went to the field early this last saturday for team pictures before the game and I followed with the kids later.  As I was pulling in to my parking spot a text came in from Dan that read, "Andrew is starting at goalie because he asked to."  I thought it was funny he felt the need to warn me before I arrived.  He knows when I'm on the edge.



Photos of Andrew playing sports reminds me of a puppy who is trying to get all its limbs to work together.  :)



He had a good time, and I love the post game sweaty hair and pink face.

I feel like most of my updates have been central to Andrew right now because getting this sorted out is such the priority, but everything else is going great.  Kaitlin is loving school and is my little helper.





She is loving gymnastics and school and still sings the funniest songs. She is such a character. A friend used the word "theatrical" to describe her. I thought that was perfect. Matthew is starting tennis tomorrow with his friend William. He is excited about that, and is doing just great as well.




This is one of my favorite recent photos of him from Sausage Fest last weekend.  Which I'll get to blogging about some year.

'night!

First Family Golf Game!

(If you read my project life blog, this is a little repetitive but was a special day for our family, so I wanted to record more of the details here).



The last weekend before school started we took the kids golfing.  What fun!!  The kids loved it and so did we.  My Dad taught both Dan and I how to golf.  He used to sit on his back patio and critique people's swings. :)  He used to golf daily and loved the game.  Like all things that interested him, he carefully studied it and knew allll, about it.



 Being in the golf cart just brought back so many sweet memories of time spent with my Dad bumping along the paths.  Dan and I did some golfing together before kids, but most of my memories are with my Dad,  so there was this strong association and so wonderful to have this experience that brought some vivid memories of him.  It did make me miss him as often that day I would have liked his advice!  But I just felt so grateful for those memories.  For the time spent together.  I felt like this day wouldn't have been possible without him taking the time to teach me the game and give me an appreciation for it, so this day even felt like a gift from him.

 
(Doesn't get much cuter than little kids in collared shirts and plaid shorts). :)

I haven't been golfing since before Matthew was born so I was nervous about even being able to play anymore.  In fact, it was a little strange to slip my hand into my glove that sported the name of a course that I played when I was working in Pharmaceutical sales.  Was that really me at one time?  This game was a part of life before I became a mom, and that life feels so far away.  It felt strange, but good to in a small way to reacquaint this Mom with the old "me" . 

My first drive was a slice, and many were after that as well as I often found myself in the rough, but the last hole I played completely down the fairway and had a few great hits along the way, that always provoked the comment, "Oh, Dad would have loved that!"



We let the kids drive the golf carts.  They loooved it (and we did get in trouble for it). :)  Such irresponsible parents....



What can I say?  Sometimes you just need to have a little fun.  The surprising thing was, Andrew was a much better driver than Matthew!  (He noticed and was a little upset about it!)  Who says the wii isn't good for you ~ those hours of MarioKart wii totally paid off!  :)

Andrew was also a fan of the weapons flags.

 

We let the kids tee off a couple of times, and then just let them hit from our balls and putt in on the green. The group behind us were literally playing speed golf ~ running from ball to ball! So we felt like we needed to keep the kids moving along, and actually kept pace surprisingly well.



 

The sand traps were a hit as well.



Matthew loves golf.  Yet another way he is like my Dad.  The game completely suits him, and I do hope all the kids enjoy playing.  Matthew's clubs are waaay to small for him.  Nana is coming through with some new ones for the boys for Christmas.  Definitely a special gift.



We ended the game at the 9th hole and headed to the clubhouse for lunch.  While I think we'll be spending most of our time just hitting balls (we all need the practice), this was a special treat.  I hope we make many more family memories like this!

Spring Break!!

It's Spring Break!!!

I don't think I've ever been so happy to see Spring Break arrive. We all needed a break from our school/activity schedule.  I think especially me.

Dan's Mom asked to have the kids for a while over the break.  So we planned a trip for them.  Saturday morning, Mom arrived into town with a couple of her friends.  They are on their way to South Carolina & Savannah.  From the texts I'm getting (not from mom ~ she doesn't text, but mom's friend does), it's safe to say they are having fun.

Both of her friends have lost their husbands too, so they travel and have fun together.



I'm so glad she has friends to do these things with and they are all so funny together!  Nana got to see the kids very briefly...



and then Dan was off with the kids to go meet Grammie & Grandpa in the Gorge, and I was off with Mom and her friends to take them to a store they wanted to go to and then drop them off at the airport.

I have been really looking forward to this break.  I've really needed it.  I didn't really feel like I needed a break from the kids as much as I needed a break from life with kids.  The meal preparation, the constant driving here/there, picking up 5,490 little things off the floor every day, dishes ~ the things that we all do as mothers.  I love my life, truly I do.  I just needed a break.  I needed to put something away and have it stay there.  I needed my house to stay clean for a little while without so much effort.  I needed to sit and own some uninterrupted thoughts and not have to talk to anyone, answer any questions, or give orders.  (I haven't even talked to friends on the phone).   The last time Dan and I had time alone in the house overnight was before Matthew was born...nearly 9 years ago.  And honestly, it has been wonderful.

One of the things that has surprised me that I've enjoyed is not keeping track of time.  I didn't realize how much I look at the clock, back off time and figure out what we need to be doing when to get somewhere on time, or to bed on time, or get homework done before bed, etc.  The constant anticipating, planning, time management of life.  Life has not been ruled by the clock and it has been so nice.

On to the fun stuff.  What does one do when their kids go out of town?  Dan and I honestly just wanted a low key, do whatever we want sort of weekend.  We went downtown to Pottery Barn on NW 23rd.  I bought the last panel of drapes that I needed for my living room with a gift card from my birthday ~ which Dan approved even though I gave up shopping for Lent because no money changed hands.  I'm not sure it was totally keeping my sacrifice, but I've been SO good and have resisted a LOT.  It's been hard.  But good.



Then we went to the Pearl District and enjoyed walking around before dinner.  I loved this path leading to the courtyard beyond....



Most of all, I love that the trees are blooming and it's starting to look like Spring!



Dan has lost quite a bit of weight and he's looking so good!



We went to Piazza Italia for dinner, which is a great Italian restaurant that Michelle and I went to before The Nutcracker and I knew Dan would enjoy. He did. Then we went to see "The Hunger Games." It was such a great day.

On Sunday we got up early and went to the 8am church service. Then we went to a restaurant called the "Screen Door."



We arrived right after they opened and the waiting room was full and there was a line out the door! We had to wait 45mintues for a table, but it wasn't bad at all. Just a funny little side story. I dropped Dan off at the restaurant to get in line and went to find a parking spot. He took my phone and purse when he got out of the car and I had to park a ways away. When I was walking (and walking) I got nervous because I don't have a good sense of direction and I started thinking...I hope I don't lose the car. Will I be able to find it again? Will I be able to find the restaurant? I did find the restaurant, but I did end up walking 2 extra blocks because I got confused. When Dan saw which direction I was coming from he laughed and said he had been concerned because he realized he had my cell phone and there was no way for me to call him if I got lost. He said that he too was worried about me getting lost or losing the car! It's terrible! When we got our van I told him I didn't need the GPS, it was more expensive and I didn't think it was necessary. He looked at me and said, "Yes, you do." He was completely right! I use it all the time to get my bearings.



The restaurant serves southern food. I ordered the Vanilla Bean French toast and we put together Dan's plate of things we wanted to try...Biscuits & gravy, cheese grits, praline bacon and he ordered an egg.  Everything was SO good, but if you go the bacon is a must.  It was crazy good. 

We just did whatever we felt like on Sunday, one of the things we did was stop at the Vancouver Farmer's Market.  It was cold and rainy....



We're having record rainfall this month and I've about had it.  We had Thai take out for dinner and watched a movie at home.  It was so relaxing! 

We both have been wanting to update our filing system and thought we'd do that when the kids were gone, but we have just been lazy and it has been SO nice!  I've been working on Kaitlin's baby scrapbook and I watched the entire A&E 6 hour Pride & Prejudice today (my favorite movie ever).  What a treat! 

Oh!  Another funny thing, on Sunday after brunch Dan said to me, "I forgot how fun you are."  I said, "Thanks, I think!" :)  I understood what he was trying to say (and he clarified), it just came out funny and I had to tease him about it.  But the wonderful thing about having time together without kids is that it definitely reminds us of who we are beyond being parents.  Sometimes it's hard (I think especially for me being home and in the "mom" role all day) to step out and see myself as something outside of that.  It has been really nice to be "Kathy" for a while.  I am so grateful for this time....knowing that the kids are happy and having a ball just frees me to enjoy this time.  It's really one of the best gifts I've received.  (THANK YOU Winnie & Carl!!!!!!!!!)