It Is Well With My Soul

Four and ½ years ago, as we were recovering from the surgery/shock of complications surrounding Kaitlin’s birth, absorbing the declining state of Dad’s health and anticipating the great loss that was to come, Dan lost his job.

“I lift up my eyes to the hills ~

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

The Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip~

He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you~

The Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm ~

He will watch over your coming and going

Both now and forevermore.”

~ Psalm 121

He wasn’t laid off due to cutbacks.  Or in some other benign way that is certainly no less stressful.

No, he was wronged. 

He worked for a man who made snap decisions.  Changed his mind on a whim.  And after 2 ½ years of intense stress, extremely demanding days and nights on the job resulting in glowing performance reviews and happy investors….Dan became the victim of the CEO’s impulsiveness and was laid off because the CEO woke up one morning and simply wanted to “go in another direction.”

Losing your job is never easy.  Losing your job out of nowhere, for no apparent reason in the midst of the worst economic recession since the Great Depression is a very bitter pill to swallow.  We were shocked, to say the least.  After all, if you work hard and do a good job, there are rewards, not punishments, right?

We’ve all been told, “life isn’t fair.”  And it isn’t.  But when it’s downright wrong, our insides cry out in anger for justice. 

Redemption.  

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.”

~ Genesis 50:20

We were (and still are) fortunate with Dan’s business contacts.  He set up his own business and began consulting while in search of a permanent position.  Since then, opportunities have come and gone.  Our hopes have been raised and dashed.  Dreams were pursued and denied.  The path has been painful and arduous. 

Dan’s field has suffered greatly in this economy.   The opportunities have been few.  Good (and local) opportunties even harder to come by, and nothing has been the right fit.  The situation Dan is currently in is not sustainable.  The company is in the process of being sold.  It is very possible Dan will loose his contract in that sale.

But we are not without hope.

“And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

~ Romans 5:2-5

When we first found ourselves in this position I remember the searing shock and fear that pierced my chest.  Much of my security (not my worth, that’s an important distinction) but I confess, my security came from our bank account statement.

We have been fortunate in that we have had provision through this time.  Not always consistent, as the mill where Dan works would shut down when business was too slow to run…there have been no paid holidays or benefits….we will never again take those things so thoughtlessly for granted.  But we have not known hunger as many families do.  We have continued to live a life more comfortable than many, though with an unstable employer and a constantly changing, uncertain future.

When we started this journey, anger and hatred filled my heart toward the man who put us in this situation.  I remember confessing to my pastor, “I hate him.”

His actions were cruel.   He hurt my husband.  And the anger boiled inside of me in a way that I had never felt before.

At times I have felt like a caged animal fighting with all my will and might against this situation to no avail.  And like a toddler who finally fatigues from a tantrum, I submitted unwillingly to my circumstances.

And I prayed.

And prayed.

And prayed.

Others prayed on our behalf.

I knelt by my bed and asked for God’s intervention.

I pleaded.

I cried.

Only to hear nothing.

More doors closed.

Paths blocked.

Dreams pursued and denied.

“Consider it a great joy, my brothers,

whenever you experience various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

But endurance must do its complete work,

So that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”

>~ James 1:2-4

For four and a half years we have done this.

I have read scripture and looked for meaning.

And my heart has found comfort.  But also frustration.

I have questioned praying to God for something that is dependent upon man’s free will to determine.

I have wrestled with God’s sovereignty.

How exactly does God fit into all of this?

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

I have found more questions than answers through this journey.

I’ve been waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not, for God to tie this up in a neat bow so that I could shut the door and move on.

Check the box.

Lesson learned.

I have been desperate for closure.

And then I read something recently that struck a chord. 

“We see the scope of the biblical story unfold before us, situated, as we are, some two thousand years after it ended.  But the characters we read about did not have the vantage point we have now because they were inside the story.  There is so much they did not know, so much they could not see. They were as ignorant and confused as a detective at the beginning of a mystery novel.  Like that detective, they had to piece together various clues that seemed more confusing than clarifying.  Still, they chose to believe that their lives were caught up in a bigger story.  They chose to trust God and follow him into an unknown future, however slim the evidence of a bigger story that could make sense out of their little ones.” ~ Jerry Sittser A Grace Revealed  (Emphasis, mine).

I could relate to this feeling of having to hold on to blind faith.  I have already learned the lesson that God is working in the midst of things even when we are too close to see it.   It is often better seen and understood at a distance, in retrospect.  I have been trying to be patient in that knowledge. 

And yet, I struggled. 

A struggle that I never before considered would be shared by those who walked closest to Jesus.   And though my life is small compared to the first disciples, I trust that somehow my story is still significant and just like they did so long ago, I choose to trust God with our hazy future.

Apart from the unknowns, there are lessons that from this vantage point I can already see.

I have learned to make prudent plans and choices, but above all, my faith and security is placed in God.

I have learned to let go of control and daily fear over this undefined, uncertain future.

I have learned to let go of the urge to cling to what I have, and continue to give faithfully through uncertain times.

And just as with other difficult situations, the gratitude in my heart for the blessings we do have has multiplied exponentially.  Gratitude floods my heart daily for the simplest of things.

There has been a slow and steady pruning of my heart through these years, but only very recently, has an inexplicable peace started to settle in. 

Not because our circumstances have changed.

They haven’t.

Not because we have more concrete direction.

We don’t.

The potential still exists that we might have to move from our community and church that we love so much.  And that breaks my heart.

But when I went to bed last night the words, “It is well with my soul” floated into my mind.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Though has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

A beautiful hymn that we sing in church from time to time.

A hymn that I have wanted to embody, but couldn’t.  Because it is less about a state of mind, and more about a transformation of faith ~ and some of us might take a little longer to be transformed than others.

But it is in moments like this where I feel grateful to be pressed.  To have to dig deep and persevere, because it is only in moments like this that I have found God to meet me in a way that doesn’t happen when life is good and I’m not seeking him so diligently.

But unexpectedly, and inexplicably, after four and a half years….

“It is well with my soul...”

…became not just words that I sang off key in church, but a conviction in my soul.

And then I opened a birthday card at lunch today that Dan delivered to me from one of my closest friends.  Within the text, what did I see?  She too, had written the words,

“It is well with my soul.”

I had the luxury to do some more reading after lunch today.  And in my reading I found the questions that provoked the explanation to the feeling I had in my heart that started my writing today.

It came from the question of redemption.  That nice bow tied up tight that I’ve been seeking, the righting of this wrong that I have been burning for…

”What can and should we expect from redemption?....“Is a positive outcome really the point?  Is happiness the proper goal?  Is that what we can and should expect from God?  It seems right, on the surface of things.  Who doesn’t desire a happy ending?”  ~ Jerry Sittser, A Grace Revealed  (emphasis mine)

And there, I received my grace.  My redemption.

Not in the form of a great job that would keep us from relocating.

Not in the form of justice over the initial wrong.

Not the “happily ever after” that makes me such a fan of Walt Disney.

No fanfare.

Quite simply…peace.

And contentment amidst uncertainty.

In the words of Paul….

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

 ~ Philippians 4:11-13

I don’t claim to have the faith that Paul had when he wrote these words.

Nor do I predict to never worry or grow weary over this again.

But today, while I am still hopeful for resolution, I am also content.  Perhaps not as wholly and completely as Paul has described.  But with far greater peace than I ever thought I could feel in this situation.

While painful, this journey that has brought about necessary growth.  It has taken the scripture that is woven through this passage (which I have chosen because I have clung to these passages) ~ that one time were flat words printed on paper ~ and have brought dimension and life to them in a way that never otherwise would have happened. 

I still don’t know what God will do with this situation that we find ourselves in.

I don’t know how long this path is that still stretches beyond the horizon.

There very well could be greater challenges ahead with respect to this particular journey.  If there are, we will meet them and persevere.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.”  ~ Isaiah 41:10

But for now, I rest in the peace that transcends all understanding.

After four and a half long years I can finally say….

It is well with my soul.