Ballet Observances & Parenting Lessons

 

One thing about Kaitlin...she loves to perform.

So when the time came for the parent viewing day at ballet, she was in full effect.

While other little girls nicely followed the teacher's instruction, Kaitlin was put on a show.

 

The girls start with tap....

 

And here's my girl....



So very Kaitlin.

So glad she's mine.

And then they put on their ballet shoes and had some fun free dancing with ribbons...



And then they move into another room to practice ballet.

Kaitlin and Kennedy were paired for a portion of their dancing and I snapped a couple of cute photos of them.  Love this one. Kennedy's expression is just so sweet.



These two girls have strong personalities and a lot of passion between the two of them.  They can butt heads when they want to go in different directions, but you can't beat the joy when they work together.  This is just so cute.



Notice Kitti's tights?  The hole on her shin?  I'm not exactly sure how a ballerina manages it, but we have now gone through three pairs of ballet tights in 3 months!!  Her knees are dirty from crawling around all over the studio....

 


I love this of Kitti and Miss Amanda....

 

The little girls then danced across the floor choosing whatever they would like to do.  They started on one end and danced to the other.  Everyone, except this little one....

 

Getting ready for her show.

 

She made it to the end and instead of stopping she rounded the corner and kept right on going!

 

And going!

I'm not sure how many laps she did before Miss Amanda asked her to wrap it up.

After it was over the little girls all went to their parents who hugged them and said all sorts of sweet things to their kids....

Except me.

I confess, I had what we call in our house, a "Mommy Dearest" moment.

As the other little girls received hugs, I whispered reprimands in Kaitlin's ear.
 
It was fueled by a lot of things that I needn't go into, only partly by Kaitlin's behavior during the session.  I have not had a lot of patience lately.  And I could have handled it better.  I instantly regretted it as Kaitlin dropped her head in shame & sadness.  After I'm sure what she felt like was a beautiful, joyful performance.

And then it was me that felt shame in my heart.

I could see in that moment how in an attempt to teach a child humility or obedience,  you can easily end up crushing their spirit.  It is such a fine line.

And Kaitlin's' confidence and spirit is one of the things I love most about her.

Parenting is so hard.

I learned an important lesson on this day.

I look forward to the next time when I can do better.  When I can receive my proud little dancer with kisses, hugs and loving words affirmation.  Because I really am so proud of her. 

Out of the Mouths of Babes

 (This photo was taken in the candy aisle at Walmart as the kids selected movie treats for the 4th of July) (And no, they don't eat all of that candy at once).

My list for the 3rd of July was long and hurried.

A visit from the cable guy in the morning.
A trip to Costco.
A play date for Matthew.
A play date for Andrew.
A trip to Walmart.
A hair cut & color.
A swim lesson form to turn in.

To name a few.

 I was running from one thing to the next and by the time we hit Walmart the kids were just crazy. The boys, specifically.

 Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike grocery shopping with all 3 of my kids?

It was a constant stream of,

"Please walk behind the cart."
"Please move out of the person's way."
"Please put that back."
"Please don't touch that."

And by the time we made it half way through the store, "Please" was probably dropped off the front of those sentences and my voice growing increasingly tense and firm.

Until finally, I was that mom.
You know the one.
We've all seen her.

The one with her child's arm gripped in her hand.
Her eyes boring into her child's eyes as she speaks firmly and closely into his little face.

Yes, I had had it &  I was her.

This was the scene when Kaitlin, perched atop the grocery cart, cheerfully says,

"Jesus said, 'Peace.  Be still.'"

I kid you not.

And after the shock of what she said wore off, with those simple words so many thoughts filled my mind at once...(Including asking myself why my 4 year old can speak calm wisdom into a situation when I am frazzled and reacting out of emotion at the age of 38).

I gathered myself, stood up, pushed the cart forward and thought,

Preach it, sister.

It was just what I needed to hear.

My Boy.

Writing a blog can be a tricky thing. There's always the question of how much to share. I've become much more transparent than when I first started this blog. I didn't even share about my complications during Kaitlin's birth when I first started this.

 If I am too guarded, then the blog becomes little more than some cute photos that I post. Superficial, and not capturing the essence of our life as we grow our family. That isn't what I want ~ if I did, I'd just make a photo album. But there's vulnerability in sharing...a feeling of being exposed, if you will. I struggle with that.  Fear of judgement, perhaps.  But I really want this to be a record of our life's journey.  The joys and the struggles.  But I'd be lying if I said it isn't hard for me after I click the "publish" button after writing a post like this. 

I've made dear friendships through sharing about my own challenges that have resonated with others experiencing the same thing.  Bonds are quickly formed when a burden is shared.  In retrospect, the times in my life when I've been my most guarded have also been my loneliest. Sometimes I have trouble sharing about something until it has passed.  And then once it's resolved, I'll share the story in it's entirety, but in the middle, I feel like I just need to put my head down and push through.

It's even more complicated when it's about a child. Because it's their life that I'm sharing about, which is why I've made this blog private. Because I do want to share authentically, (to the point that I feel is appropriate) but I want to know who is reading it. Mostly to protect my kids. All that to say...I've shared on here about Andrew's diagnosis with Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD.   It's hard because I feel like on the one hand, through sharing this it might help people to understand and be more patient with Andrew.  I also gain great information and resources from people who are in the same situation or are educated on the matter.  But I also hate the label being applied to him and wonder if it changes how people see him.  But I also don't like the feeling of shame that comes with secrecy.  Like that part of him isn't okay/accepted and we can't talk about it with others.  That's not what I want either.  It feels like a no win situation sometimes.      

I've mentioned previously that I sort of "tabled" the ADHD part until I could make my own judgement on that.  "Denial" might have been another word that I could have used there.

I wanted to believe the people who said.  "He's a boy."  "He's 4, 5, 6....(and now, nearly 7)."  "Who doesn't struggle with...."  And let's face it, we've all heard "ADHD" a little too often.  Even I have been a skeptic.  But sadly, it's not the case.  We've now had 3 very qualified people tell us otherwise.  We've gone through extensive testing.  Repeatedly.  We paid for people who were not covered by our insurance to see Andrew because we wanted to be certain.  We wanted only the most qualified to diagnose him, because we were both fearful of a misdiagnosis.  And yet, I still struggled to believe it.  But if I keep trying to believe otherwise it will be to Andrew's detriment.  And I want to say it here too, because as Dan and I were talking about tonight, it's hard when people dismiss this. We are not overreacting.  We are not making excuses.  We are not being sensitive.

This is real.  

And it is not easy.

The reason I am writing about this today is because I had a conversation with Andrew's teacher today that was hard.  It was confirmation in my mind of this diagnosis and it finally became real to me today.  My eyes were opened in a new way today and it made me realize how deeply I didn't want to  accept this for Andrew.  But that I have to.  I don't mean to over dramatize this.  I know this is not life threatening, and that there are parents out there facing dire situations with their children that would trade for this diagnosis in a heartbeat.  I know that.   And Andrew is healthy and has so much going for him.   And I am truly thankful for the blessing that he is and for his health.

But my heart is heavy today because I just want to make it easier for him...but I don't know how.  And I think that's one of the hardest feelings as a parent...when you want to fix something for your child, but you can't.  The future of the road we're on is undefined right now and that's an uncomfortable place for me to be.  I feel ill equipped to deal with this and uneducated. There are decisions that have to be made for Andrew that I/we cannot make right now, and I don't like that feeling.  I also feel guilty for not coming to terms with this sooner.

But I have faith we'll figure it out.  I know we'll get there.  I have already started reading and educating myself.   There isn't another alternative in my mind but to make certain that Andrew has the tools to succeed in life and to be able to learn how to work through this.   There is no "plan B" here.  Just a plan "A".  And he has so much going for him...we have a great place to start.  

There are just days, like today, that are hard. 

When we are out in a situation with people who don't know Andrew well, and there are circumstances that are challenging for him and he is struggling with his behavior and I see people look at him...and then look at me...I often find myself wishing that they could see through the behavior at that moment to see this little boy.



Who on this particular day, wanted to send a balloon up to heaven for Grandpapa.



And he might have trouble staying seated in a chair. 

And he might struggle to focus at times.

He might struggle with impulse control and self regulation.


But his heart is one in a million.

He is truly as sweet as they come.

 

I am so grateful for this child.  For all that he is now. And all that he will be.  
And I know that God has great things planned for his life.

 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. " ~ Psalm 139:14 NIV

Parenting, In a Nutshell

I'm still here.

I haven't blogged for a while as I've been busy celebrating the Bug's birthday and preparing for her party.  The party was today, and Katie had a fantastic time.  She was so happy.  I had a great time too.

Dan asked me after it was over, "Was it worth it?  All that work for a couple of hours?"

My honest answer was that this party ended up taking longer to prepare than I anticipated.  There were some things that I underestimated with the time commitment, and was up until 3 am last night (I know, crazy!~)....and Kaitlin would have had as much fun if I had done a quarter of what I did for the party.  But I did so enjoy listening to her delight over all the little things, and wanting to join in on the decorating.  It was fun.  Most of all, I loved seeing her so happy today.  Kaitlin was quite comfortable being the center of attention.  She danced & played  and as our friends were arriving, she was SO excited and was exclaiming over all the people and said, "Mama, our house is going to BURST!"

She had a really happy day.

I have a lot to blog about, and am hoping to get caught up this week, but I had to record this cute story about Kaitlin.

Dan took the boys bowling during the party, so he wasn't there.  I went into Kaitlin's room to say good night and found Dan and Katie laying on her bed, holding hands as Katie told Dan about her party.  She was telling him that after it was over, she was playing "Mommy, Sister, Puppy, Kitty" with Grace, Claire (and maybe someone else?) and she was the "Mama" and was mad at them.

Of course Dan thought that was hilarious because he suspected her play imitated life and let out his big laugh.

So he said, "And what does a mama say?"

Katie laughed and smiled at me and said,

"I love you."

Dan:  "And what else does the mama say?"

Kaitlin paused, smiled, and said,

"Do you forgive me?"



Kids aren't the only ones in need of grace, and I feel like I've had to speak those words more than I'd like lately.
And I thought, yes, that's parenting in an nutshell ~ love & forgiveness.
It flows both ways.



And just for fun...Here's one of my favorite photos from the day.



That's my baby girl. In a nutshell.

Cleaning up, Popular Kids, Good Choices & A Bean Cookie

How's that for a title?  I think that sort of sums up this post.  I thought I would do just a quick check-in as I haven't posted much in a while.

Life is sort of blissfully un-exciting right now.  I've just been doing my usual January cleaning out & organizing....The kids are back in the swing of school.  I'm trying to figure out spring activities for the boys, and gearing up for Kaitlin's birthday.

I haven't felt very motivated to take photos...I take so many over the holidays that I think my camera and I are ready for a break come January.



Katie was singing in this photo. she sings about everything. It is so funny. Her favorite topic is usually proclaiming her love for someone or something.  She truly makes us laugh every day.



Andrew was looking into her eyes the other day and said, "Kaitlin, I can see myself in your eyes......I think you love me because I can see a heart next to me."

It was so cute.



I took this photo one night when we were playing games. Dan and I were both really tired and the kids were exceptionally silly and loud and although normally we really have fun doing things like this, we were both getting frustrated with the noise. So I entertained myself by trying to get a photo of Dan looking annoyed and grumpy and whenever I'd go to snap one he'd put on this bright, cheerful smile. It was so funny.



Kaitlin has started playing with her food. She'll ask for a snack and if I'm not paying attention she'll get her kitchen toys out and have a fun time with cutting, etc. and makes a huge mess. It's cute & annoying all at once.  This photo was the start of some of that kind of fun.



We were heading out and Kaitln wanted me to take her picture standing like this. I think the point was to show off her shoes. She loves those shoes. I think we share some genetic trait that makes us predisposed to love clothing because she has always been like this. I remember being the same way. 





We managed to get Christmas put away.  The Bug loves to be in the mix when something like this is going on.  We also share the genetic trait for loving sparkly, slightly gaudy things.



Andrew helped with taking down the lights.



I'm now always looking for jobs for him that helps to work his small motor skills.  He tends to say things are "too hard" and wants to give up right away.  But with some encouragement he'll stick with it and is always so proud when he accomplishes something.



A great team.



I know I already posted some of these on the "picture of the day" blog but I just love them, so am reposting here.





I feel like I don't have a lot of photos of Matthew lately because he's at school all day and then is busy building Legos. He needs time to decompress so after a day of socializing he's ready to go off and build his Legos quietly.

He's also doing "Mad Science" Jr. Space camp. He really likes it and is teaching me about Space. His memory astounds me. He didn't get that from me.

He's doing great in second grade and made reference the other day to the "popular kids" at school.  I asked what he meant by that.  He said, "You know, the kids that everyone wants to be with."

I could have said a lot of things in response to that (as I hate that he even sees that distinction at the age of 8) but I settled on a simple, "If I were in second grade, I'd want to be with you."

And while I know some day that will get an eye roll, this day it made him smile.
And I loved it.



Andrew made friends with a boy at school that has trouble making good choices....I noticed this a while back but didn't discourage the friendship as I know another little boy who is awfully sweet, yet always seemed to be in trouble as well.  This last week, Andrew has been sharing with me some of the things this little boy has done, and encouraged Andrew to do.  And the little boy recently got in trouble for doing something to Andrew that was very not okay, and actually a little concerning.  I was glad to hear that Andrew is not following along and is starting to decide to spend time with little boys who, as he says, are "good friends."

It's always a relief for me to hear things like this ~ that come from their own decisions.  I felt this way with Matthew too as he went off to school.  I know that my kids will always act like kids and do little things wrong (and probably a few big things too), and be silly and get in trouble from time to time.  But to see the seeds of character and the desire to choose well growing in them...along with their own ability to discern what a good alternative might be...these are happy moments for this mama.  (On a side note, we are encouraging Andrew to still be kind to this little boy, but we do think its a good idea to focus on other friends at recess).

Anyway, Andrew is progressing well in school.  He has even been able to have a bit of free time on occasion for getting his work finished which has been a new thing (he has trouble getting his work finished in time), and he received a "Fox Positive" last week for good behavior!  His teacher says she really likes having him in class.  :)  And the best part is, he LOVES school!  That makes me SO happy.

So that is a bit of an update on life in our house.

I do have my resolution post done and ready to go, but I need Dan to proof it before I share it.  It's a little personal, so I always have him read things like that before I post them.  He's my filter. :)

We are looking forward to having friends over tomorrow for a late Christmas celebration (poor them, coming to our house when we're dieting.  I'm trying out a "diet" recipe on them...it could be a huge disaster.  It's a deep dish cookie pie, but it's made with white beans.   Hopefully they'll still want to come back...We've been friends long enough that I can torture them like this.) And then I am looking forward to a lazy Monday with the children, when I hope to get a little birthday crafting done.  There is a possible forecast of snow, and I'm REALLY hoping we get some.  The kids would love it!  In fact, Kaitlin was singing about it earlier....

Dan's Birthday Celebration

I have to start by saying how sweet it was to get those great comments for Dan on my last post.  Thanks, friends!

I had visions of Dan coming home from the work day on his birthday to a sparkling house, pretty table set, dinner on its way to being done, and a quiet relaxing atmosphere to relax in.

Enter, real life.

I went to pick up the boys in the afternoon and rushed out the door, later than usual (I was in the middle of frosting Dan's cake). I grabbed Katie from her bed (quiet time) and then threw on my outdoor shoes from the garage and went up to the school.

Lesson Learned: Even when you're just running up to school and don't expect to get out of the car, you should dress in a manner that you won't be a little embarrassed when your battery dies, blocking the 15 or so, cars behind you, and you have to run to a random person's car and ask to use her cell phone, and get someone to push your van into a parking space to stop blocking all the parents from coming in to pick up their kids.

Sigh.

It all worked out, but I got home much later than anticipated and there was not much of a relaxing atmosphere, but more, the usual chaos of our life (I did manage to have the table set). But I had to immediately send Dan back up to school to collect Andrew's coat which he "thought" he left "by the swings", which was the FOURTH coat we've collected out of Lost & Found THIS WEEK and we still have TWO hoodies/winter coats missing. I am seriously at the end of my rope over this. If anyone has any brilliant suggestions on how to have their kids bring their coats home, do tell. I'm about to let them just be cold. If they want a coat they can find the one they left at school.  Can you tell this is making me completely crazy? 

Okay, back to Dan's birthday.

Dan got home and I suggested that he relax in the living room where it was peaceful while I prepared dinner.



Dan had requested a grilled steak, roasted red potatoes with rosemary & garlic, and spinach salad with pumpkin seed oil vinaigrette.  And a graham cracker cake with chocolate filling and cream cheese frosting.



Thankfully, dinner came together easily and it was SO good.  We went in to open gifts. And Andrew was pouting.



Dan tried really hard to make light of it, and everyone did a pouty face like Andrew, so of course he smiled!



And then the kids shared their cards.  Katie actually gave Dan a store bought Cinderella card, but the boys made theirs, and were anxious to share them with him.  It was sweet to see how proud they were.



(Katie picked out this dress, flower and shoes to put on~ she wanted to dress up for Daddy's birthday.  Dan loved it).

Then it was time to open gifts and the trouble started.  I'll spare the details, but Andrew was pouty and Matthew was rude and they ended up spending the next half hour in their room while I cleaned up from dinner and got dessert ready.

Real life.

Even on your birthday.

Despite the drama, Dan was still very happy with his new martini glasses and a gift card to the Apple Store.

After a severe lecture from Mommy in the boys bedroom hitting topics such as gratitude, selfishness, and what a wonderful Daddy they have and how we should show him how much we love him on his birthday and on and on and on as I do when I'm really irritated (and I just might have thrown in  a threat for good measure) the kids joined us for dessert and all was well.



The cake was okay. I really only like cream cheese frosting on red velvet or spice cake, so it wasn't my favorite. But Dan liked it, so that was what mattered. :)

One of the gifts that dan and I give each other on our birthdays and Mother's/Father's Day is to be relieved from parenting/household chores.  It made me happy to see Dan getting to relax in the living room, reading his book while I bathed Katie and did the bedtime routine with the kids.  I know how much I love that time, and I truly felt so happy doing that for him.  Which was nice, because I admit, there were years when it was hard for me to give that gift happily.

And despite the "real life" challenges of the day, Dan could see my intentions and what I tried to do for him, and sweetly said it was actually one of his best birthdays ever.    Which just tells you how low maintenance Dan is.  Thank goodness, as I'm high maintenance enough for the both of us!  But I try to treat him like he's high maintenance.  He deserves it.

Happy Birthday, my love.

Taking Time for Tea

Life has been a whirlwind for quite a while now.
We had a very busy summer which launched right into a very crazy school year.
I'm currently the busiest I've been since the year Katie was born.
I know I've said all of this before, but I do have a point.

I have missed the slower spontaneous moments with the kids lately because of the crazy schedule we're keeping.

One Wednesday morning when Andrew was home from school (no kindergarten every other wednesday) he and Katie wanted to have a tea party.

Honestly, I didn't feel like I had the time to even set it up and deal with what I knew the mess would be.

And I hated feeling that way.

So I obliged in spite of myself because I was happy that they still wanted to have a tea party..



They had milk with sugar and graham crackers.

 

Because it's all about the pouring and stirring.
And what fun is it without something to pour and stir?

I relished this moment.

And truth be told, I was running around like crazy around them trying to get things done before we had to head out and I hated feeling that way.

The kids are going up so quickly.
Too quickly.

And I don't want to schedule myself out of enjoying it.
Because to me, this is the good stuff.

Tea in jammies.
Little pinkies up.
Milk being spilled.
Too much sugar being added.

Good stuff.

In four weeks, our schedule will look better, activity wise.
In one year, Andrew will be in school full time.
And that makes me sad.

And so I hope to do a better job of allowing the kids to do things, without making our life so crazy.

I hope to do a better job of creating balance while they're still small.

Prioritizing our family.

It's one of the hardest things for me.
But I really want to be able to stop and take time for tea.

School Day Two/Three

I've been getting a surprising number of phone calls and emails. The main question:

"How is school going for Andrew?"



I got a call from his teacher today.
(That's her, above, greeting her class for the first time.  She's making the fox sign with her hands which means to be quiet and listen).

She was Matthew's Kindergarten teacher as well and I really like and respect her.
She called because she knew I was nervous about Andrew's transition and I had a candid conversation about my concerns with her at Kindergarten Roundup.



She said she wanted to let me know that Andrew is doing great.  That he might be tired when he comes home because he is using a LOT of energy trying to learn how to behave in class.  (How positive and sweetly phrased is that?)  Which by the way, is completely true.  He took a 3 hour nap yesterday and still went to bed completely exhausted.  The little guy was just drained.



She said that he is learning how to keep his body in his own space (and said something to the effect of "you know what his challenges are") but that he is doing a great job and that I could be "very proud of him."  She also said, "Andrew might come home and tell you that he sat next to me in class, but that is just because it seems to help him.  He isn't in trouble."  :) 



And then said, "We're ALL learning how to behave in school ~ not just Andrew."  I told her to please let me know if we can do anything to support her at home or if there are any problems and then she said one of the best parts "unless his progress stagnates we won't have another conversation about this."



And then the gates of heaven opened and the choirs of angels sang.

:)



I was just so relieved by her perspective.  She's positive, patient, and in control of things.  I think she's a wonderful match for Andrew and I really feel like he's being set up to succeed.  It was exactly what I was hoping and praying for I couldn't be happier.  It is such a relief and I keep thanking God for her!  I know this doesn't mean there won't be bumps in the road, but I really feel like we'll work well together.

How wonderful is she?

The boys got in the van today after school and were so excited that they saw each other.  They were SO cute.  "I saw you Matthew!"  "I saw you too!"  :)  Andrew had a good day and said he has made 2 friends.  I asked him if that made Kindergarten less scary and he said yes.



I found the above picture in Andrew's planner today when I went to sign it. I asked him who it was and he said, "Me and You." 

And how is Matthew doing?

Matthew came home today and said that "Second grade is more my type [than first grade].  It's harder so it's better."

He and his friend William, (who have been in class together since Kindergarten and have the exact same back pack monogrammed with their names and have a lot of the same clothes) ~ decided that they are going to wear the same outfit tomorrow.  I asked what they decided on and he said,

"Our white polo shirts, blue shorts and our Nordstrom sandals."

Oh my...I had trouble keeping a straight face.  He is so funny. 

So all is well.  We're off to a great start and I am just so, so, so happy for Andrew and hope this is a great year of growth and learning and fun for him.  (I'm of course excited and happy for all the kids, I'm just feeling relief over Andrew's situation).