It Is Well With My Soul

Four and ½ years ago, as we were recovering from the surgery/shock of complications surrounding Kaitlin’s birth, absorbing the declining state of Dad’s health and anticipating the great loss that was to come, Dan lost his job.

“I lift up my eyes to the hills ~

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

The Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip~

He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you~

The Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm ~

He will watch over your coming and going

Both now and forevermore.”

~ Psalm 121

He wasn’t laid off due to cutbacks.  Or in some other benign way that is certainly no less stressful.

No, he was wronged. 

He worked for a man who made snap decisions.  Changed his mind on a whim.  And after 2 ½ years of intense stress, extremely demanding days and nights on the job resulting in glowing performance reviews and happy investors….Dan became the victim of the CEO’s impulsiveness and was laid off because the CEO woke up one morning and simply wanted to “go in another direction.”

Losing your job is never easy.  Losing your job out of nowhere, for no apparent reason in the midst of the worst economic recession since the Great Depression is a very bitter pill to swallow.  We were shocked, to say the least.  After all, if you work hard and do a good job, there are rewards, not punishments, right?

We’ve all been told, “life isn’t fair.”  And it isn’t.  But when it’s downright wrong, our insides cry out in anger for justice. 

Redemption.  

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.”

~ Genesis 50:20

We were (and still are) fortunate with Dan’s business contacts.  He set up his own business and began consulting while in search of a permanent position.  Since then, opportunities have come and gone.  Our hopes have been raised and dashed.  Dreams were pursued and denied.  The path has been painful and arduous. 

Dan’s field has suffered greatly in this economy.   The opportunities have been few.  Good (and local) opportunties even harder to come by, and nothing has been the right fit.  The situation Dan is currently in is not sustainable.  The company is in the process of being sold.  It is very possible Dan will loose his contract in that sale.

But we are not without hope.

“And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

~ Romans 5:2-5

When we first found ourselves in this position I remember the searing shock and fear that pierced my chest.  Much of my security (not my worth, that’s an important distinction) but I confess, my security came from our bank account statement.

We have been fortunate in that we have had provision through this time.  Not always consistent, as the mill where Dan works would shut down when business was too slow to run…there have been no paid holidays or benefits….we will never again take those things so thoughtlessly for granted.  But we have not known hunger as many families do.  We have continued to live a life more comfortable than many, though with an unstable employer and a constantly changing, uncertain future.

When we started this journey, anger and hatred filled my heart toward the man who put us in this situation.  I remember confessing to my pastor, “I hate him.”

His actions were cruel.   He hurt my husband.  And the anger boiled inside of me in a way that I had never felt before.

At times I have felt like a caged animal fighting with all my will and might against this situation to no avail.  And like a toddler who finally fatigues from a tantrum, I submitted unwillingly to my circumstances.

And I prayed.

And prayed.

And prayed.

Others prayed on our behalf.

I knelt by my bed and asked for God’s intervention.

I pleaded.

I cried.

Only to hear nothing.

More doors closed.

Paths blocked.

Dreams pursued and denied.

“Consider it a great joy, my brothers,

whenever you experience various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

But endurance must do its complete work,

So that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”

>~ James 1:2-4

For four and a half years we have done this.

I have read scripture and looked for meaning.

And my heart has found comfort.  But also frustration.

I have questioned praying to God for something that is dependent upon man’s free will to determine.

I have wrestled with God’s sovereignty.

How exactly does God fit into all of this?

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

I have found more questions than answers through this journey.

I’ve been waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not, for God to tie this up in a neat bow so that I could shut the door and move on.

Check the box.

Lesson learned.

I have been desperate for closure.

And then I read something recently that struck a chord. 

“We see the scope of the biblical story unfold before us, situated, as we are, some two thousand years after it ended.  But the characters we read about did not have the vantage point we have now because they were inside the story.  There is so much they did not know, so much they could not see. They were as ignorant and confused as a detective at the beginning of a mystery novel.  Like that detective, they had to piece together various clues that seemed more confusing than clarifying.  Still, they chose to believe that their lives were caught up in a bigger story.  They chose to trust God and follow him into an unknown future, however slim the evidence of a bigger story that could make sense out of their little ones.” ~ Jerry Sittser A Grace Revealed  (Emphasis, mine).

I could relate to this feeling of having to hold on to blind faith.  I have already learned the lesson that God is working in the midst of things even when we are too close to see it.   It is often better seen and understood at a distance, in retrospect.  I have been trying to be patient in that knowledge. 

And yet, I struggled. 

A struggle that I never before considered would be shared by those who walked closest to Jesus.   And though my life is small compared to the first disciples, I trust that somehow my story is still significant and just like they did so long ago, I choose to trust God with our hazy future.

Apart from the unknowns, there are lessons that from this vantage point I can already see.

I have learned to make prudent plans and choices, but above all, my faith and security is placed in God.

I have learned to let go of control and daily fear over this undefined, uncertain future.

I have learned to let go of the urge to cling to what I have, and continue to give faithfully through uncertain times.

And just as with other difficult situations, the gratitude in my heart for the blessings we do have has multiplied exponentially.  Gratitude floods my heart daily for the simplest of things.

There has been a slow and steady pruning of my heart through these years, but only very recently, has an inexplicable peace started to settle in. 

Not because our circumstances have changed.

They haven’t.

Not because we have more concrete direction.

We don’t.

The potential still exists that we might have to move from our community and church that we love so much.  And that breaks my heart.

But when I went to bed last night the words, “It is well with my soul” floated into my mind.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Though has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

A beautiful hymn that we sing in church from time to time.

A hymn that I have wanted to embody, but couldn’t.  Because it is less about a state of mind, and more about a transformation of faith ~ and some of us might take a little longer to be transformed than others.

But it is in moments like this where I feel grateful to be pressed.  To have to dig deep and persevere, because it is only in moments like this that I have found God to meet me in a way that doesn’t happen when life is good and I’m not seeking him so diligently.

But unexpectedly, and inexplicably, after four and a half years….

“It is well with my soul...”

…became not just words that I sang off key in church, but a conviction in my soul.

And then I opened a birthday card at lunch today that Dan delivered to me from one of my closest friends.  Within the text, what did I see?  She too, had written the words,

“It is well with my soul.”

I had the luxury to do some more reading after lunch today.  And in my reading I found the questions that provoked the explanation to the feeling I had in my heart that started my writing today.

It came from the question of redemption.  That nice bow tied up tight that I’ve been seeking, the righting of this wrong that I have been burning for…

”What can and should we expect from redemption?....“Is a positive outcome really the point?  Is happiness the proper goal?  Is that what we can and should expect from God?  It seems right, on the surface of things.  Who doesn’t desire a happy ending?”  ~ Jerry Sittser, A Grace Revealed  (emphasis mine)

And there, I received my grace.  My redemption.

Not in the form of a great job that would keep us from relocating.

Not in the form of justice over the initial wrong.

Not the “happily ever after” that makes me such a fan of Walt Disney.

No fanfare.

Quite simply…peace.

And contentment amidst uncertainty.

In the words of Paul….

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

 ~ Philippians 4:11-13

I don’t claim to have the faith that Paul had when he wrote these words.

Nor do I predict to never worry or grow weary over this again.

But today, while I am still hopeful for resolution, I am also content.  Perhaps not as wholly and completely as Paul has described.  But with far greater peace than I ever thought I could feel in this situation.

While painful, this journey that has brought about necessary growth.  It has taken the scripture that is woven through this passage (which I have chosen because I have clung to these passages) ~ that one time were flat words printed on paper ~ and have brought dimension and life to them in a way that never otherwise would have happened. 

I still don’t know what God will do with this situation that we find ourselves in.

I don’t know how long this path is that still stretches beyond the horizon.

There very well could be greater challenges ahead with respect to this particular journey.  If there are, we will meet them and persevere.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.”  ~ Isaiah 41:10

But for now, I rest in the peace that transcends all understanding.

After four and a half long years I can finally say….

It is well with my soul.

Thankful.

My poor blog.

It is such a mess.

Perhaps a little reflective of life these days.

For many weeks now (or perhaps months, now) I have felt like I've been scrambling from one things to the next, and while I dream of some time to sit and get caught up on this, I'm not sure when it will happen.

In fact, I've felt a little like this....



Being pulled down the path of life at a faster speed than I can quite gracefully handle at times. :) 

I still haven't had time to move photos off my hard drive so that I can download my camera.  (Hint, hint, honey).  I uploaded a few that are there just to keep this post fun.  Because photos just make everything more fun.

That is, if anyone is still even reading this sad little blog.

Much is brewing with Dan's job.  I'd like to share more on that, but have to get clearance first.  In the meantime, all prayers welcome.

We started a new dosing schedule for Andrew.  Same med, higher dose.  We're going to try a couple of different dosing schedules to see how he responds best.  That will take a few weeks to sort out.  My hope is by Christmas we can be settled in with that and done with our trips to the Psychiatrist.   He has been deemed an "Atypical" patient.  So future guesses as to how he'll respond are off the table.  But I am hopeful.   



I have the funniest story about taking Kaitlin shopping yesterday, but I have to download the photos first. I am writing it here so I remember to post it. We'll see if that actually helps.

I went and got my hair cut and colored yesterday by someone new. We cut a lot off of my hair where it had really thinned.  It's short again by necessity.  I basically let her do what she wanted.  It looks so much thicker again as she cut back to the new growth.  I'm going to go back to her and so now I have to figure out a way to break up with my hair dresser who has a daughter in Matthew's class.

Awkward.

I have so many fun photos on my hard drive of the "good stuff" in life, that I hope to post about soon.

Life is good.

Truly.

Despite it feeling crazy and too busy at times, I go to bed each night and feel like my heart overflows with blessings.  I'm humbled by the gifts I've been undeservedly given.

The children I have.

My spouse.

Our families.

A home.

I know it sounds trite.  But it's true.

We have walked some challenging roads in the last 4 years.  It has not been easy.  It has very much felt like a season of challenge for us.  I have kept waiting for the "end" to come.  When we can hit cruise control and not have something that falls in the "major life stress" category on our plate.  But I'm shifting my paradigm a bit and wondering if perhaps this isn't really a season of challenge, but perhaps just life.  And that's not such a bad thing.  We've had some extremely stressful and heart wrenching days.  But oh, so much happiness mixed in.  So much laughter.  So many smiles.  So many, many perfectly wonderful moments.  So many more blessings than trials.  Ups and downs and a lot of everything in between.

Life.

No different than everyone else in the world.

But the trials, even though they don't always feel like it at the time, in retrospect have been blessings too.  I'm grateful for the challenges of the past 4 years and the refining it has done and the people it has brought into our life in the process.  It has been hard.  And painful at times.  But so necessary for me.  I can now sit in the midst of uncertainty as a different person...with greater peace and trust in God than I ever imagined I could.  That's not to say that stress and fear don't creep in.  They most certainly do.  I still have a long way to go in this journey, but I take comfort in the path that I'm on.  In the small seed of faith that I have.  I can look back on the last 4 years at how God has redeemed so many of the challenges that we've faced, and apply it to both our present and our future.  I can trust that while our future most likely won't look like what I planned,  it is where we need to be.  I simply pray for God to direct our steps in the days ahead.

I think this new peace in the midst of uncertainty is perhaps what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Lent

(This is one of those posts I have to offer a disclaimer.  It's very long.  There aren't any photos, other than the one above.  It's not a post that I've written with the expectation that anyone would read, though you're welcome to, this is a post that I've written for myself....)

Lent quietly came out of no where for me this year.  Does it always start in February?  I'm not sure...I've been so busy that I haven't felt like the season of Lent should be upon us yet.  But I do love this season for many reasons.

I enjoy this time where we strive with focused attention to put our faith at the forefront of our daily life.
I love the hope of the season and the Easter message.
I especially love Holy Week.
For me, Holy Week holds the most moving services and message of the Christian faith.
And I do love that the plants start blooming, the earth awakens and Spring bursts forth. 
Green shoots peeking out of the ground make me smile as I dream of sunny days ahead, dinners on the back patio and fewer daily demands.

Oh, and truth be told, of course I do love a good Easter dress.

And just as I love setting goals for the New Year, I enjoy the prospect of a Lenton sacrifice.  Or a Lenton discipline.  As a stay at home Mom, my life holds a lot of circular routine with very little personal measurable achievement.  Of course there are parenting successes that evolve over time, and the 10 minutes that I get to enjoy a clean house before toys land on the floor, or the 30 minutes that the laundry is caught up before everyone changes into pajamas....you get the idea.  And while I love ~ truly love ~ doing this and know that for me, it's what my heart is called to do, I do crave measurable personal growth.  Lent provides a great opportunity for that with the focus being growth in my faith.

I've thought a lot about what my Lenton sacrifice would be this year.  And I've chosen something really hard for me.  In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit that it's this hard, but it is.

And so I confess....

Hello, my name is Kathy and I'm a children's clothing addict.

As if you couldn't have surmised that already.

I love kids clothes.  And it isn't just sweet girly dresses, I had fun dressing my little men too.  (Until Dan told me that if I didn't stop dressing Matthew the way that I was he'd get beat up on the playground).   I am definitely not practical about this.  Not even close.  And while I've made great strides in my move to simplify our life and stuff, this is an area I'm failing at.  Miserably.

And so I've decided to give up not just buying clothes for the kids, but all non-essential shopping.  (Did you just hear Dan cheering with excitement? ) :)  This is going to be hard for me.  But I'm determined.  In fact, I have a friend that shares my addiction that is joining me with this and we plan to support one another with this sacrifice.  Although we were laughing today that we might need a third party to help us with our definition of "non-essential."

I do have an exception to this.  Mom and I planned a trip to Seattle this Saturday to take Kaitlin to the American Girl Store ~ it's part of her birthday.  And there's pretty much no way I can rationalize that into being essential....But I didn't realize when we planned this trip quite some time ago, that I would be doing this sacrifice.

I also plan on adding a spiritual discipline.  On Sunday, our pastor challenged us to fast for lunch (or any meal) on Thursday of each week and commit that time instead, to prayer.  And when we're hungry, to turn our thoughts to prayer & God.  I've never spiritually fasted before.  I usually eat 5-6 times a day (or more ~ I'm a snacker)...so this one isn't going to be easy either.  Not only in that regard but, from the standpoint of actually taking the time to sit.

Be still. 

In our women's bible study, we've been learning about the women of the bible, most recently Martha and Mary.  I am a "Martha."  Busy "doing" and easily prioritizing tasks over my quiet time.  But in the next 40 days, I'm going to try to do as Mary did...sit at the feet of Jesus, and be a devoted learner.  I'm excited to do this.  My plan for Thursdays is to feed the children, get Andrew on the bus, Kaitlin down for quiet time and then spend an hour reading & praying and focused on the scriptures I share below.

For the last few weeks, I've felt like the message our pastor has delivered (which has been on the Sermon on the Mount) has been written specifically for me.  This Sunday was no different.  It started with the prayer of Confession that read....

"O Master, we confess that there are times when it is easier to trust in ourselves than to trust in you; that it is easier to live by sight, rather than to walk in faith.  It is easier to cave in to fear, than to believe that you are still at work for good.  We believe; help us in our unbelief.  O Heavenly Father, grant us the peace for your forgiveness through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen."

This is a point of tension in my faith.  Questioning, where does God act and where is it simply people exerting their free will?  Where do I see God's hand in my life?  I have struggle with the concept of "Letting go, and letting God."  It's an area that I need to make peace with and grow in....in fact that prayer of confession is me, word for word.  I like things to be concrete.  Explained.  Tested & Proved.   I like to be able to see the road ahead.  I want to know the plan.

And yet, I know if things were that way....there would be no choice.  There would be no faith.  There would just be facts.

There was something that happened in 2008 that I've desperately wanted closure with.  Dan as well.  And it hasn't come.  For 3 1/2 years, it hasn't come.  And it's been hard.  For both of us.  And lately, it's been really hard.  I'm trying to trust in God's plan for our life....I'm trying hard to remind myself of how desperate I felt at times in 2008 and how faithless I felt at times as well...and yet, in retrospect I can clearly see the hand of God in the details.  And so I am trying to apply that lesson now, to know that even though I can't see the path being laid, that it's there.  I'm trying to walk in faith.  But I'm not going to lie, it's tough, when really I'd just like to have control of everything myself.  See the plan.  Know the plan.

But I'm striving to trust.

So I'm going to spend Lent focused on this...praying about this topic, praying the prayer of confession, working on trusting what I cannot see, giving up the desire for control...and meditating on these verses.....

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who are you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  ~ Matthew 6:27-27

The Psalm that was a comfort to me years ago & comforts me to this day....

Psalm 121
"I lift up my eyes to the hills --
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, 
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip--
he who watches over you will not 
slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you--
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all
harm
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming 
and going
both now and forevermore." 


And the verse I first read in 2008 with a deeply hurting and questioning heart, and now I read these words and know the truth that lives in them.


"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  ~ Romans 5:1-5

A couple of other meaningful favorites...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  ~ 2 Corinthians 12: 8 - 10

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13

And finally, quite simply....

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." ~ Hebrews 11:1

I'm looking forward to the challenge of the weeks ahead....
To stay focused.
Sit.
Be still.
Be a devoted learner & harder yet, listener.
To sit at the feet of God and see how my faith evolves.
...to see what I learn from my Lenton sacrifice & discipline.

Wishing you all a blessed season of Lent!