(This is one of those posts I have to offer a disclaimer. It's very long. There aren't any photos, other than the one above. It's not a post that I've written with the expectation that anyone would read, though you're welcome to, this is a post that I've written for myself....)
Lent quietly came out of no where for me this year. Does it always start in February? I'm not sure...I've been so busy that I haven't felt like the season of Lent should be upon us yet. But I do love this season for many reasons.
I enjoy this time where we strive with focused attention to put our faith at the forefront of our daily life.
I love the hope of the season and the Easter message.
I especially love Holy Week.
For me, Holy Week holds the most moving services and message of the Christian faith.
And I do love that the plants start blooming, the earth awakens and Spring bursts forth.
Green shoots peeking out of the ground make me smile as I dream of sunny days ahead, dinners on the back patio and fewer daily demands.
Oh, and truth be told, of course I do love a good Easter dress.
And just as I love setting goals for the New Year, I enjoy the prospect of a Lenton sacrifice. Or a Lenton discipline. As a stay at home Mom, my life holds a lot of circular routine with very little personal measurable achievement. Of course there are parenting successes that evolve over time, and the 10 minutes that I get to enjoy a clean house before toys land on the floor, or the 30 minutes that the laundry is caught up before everyone changes into pajamas....you get the idea. And while I love ~ truly love ~ doing this and know that for me, it's what my heart is called to do, I do crave measurable personal growth. Lent provides a great opportunity for that with the focus being growth in my faith.
I've thought a lot about what my Lenton sacrifice would be this year. And I've chosen something really hard for me. In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit that it's this hard, but it is.
And so I confess....
Hello, my name is Kathy and I'm a children's clothing addict.
As if you couldn't have surmised that already.
I love kids clothes. And it isn't just sweet girly dresses, I had fun dressing my little men too. (Until Dan told me that if I didn't stop dressing Matthew the way that I was he'd get beat up on the playground). I am definitely not practical about this. Not even close. And while I've made great strides in my move to simplify our life and stuff, this is an area I'm failing at. Miserably.
And so I've decided to give up not just buying clothes for the kids, but all non-essential shopping. (Did you just hear Dan cheering with excitement? ) :) This is going to be hard for me. But I'm determined. In fact, I have a friend that shares my addiction that is joining me with this and we plan to support one another with this sacrifice. Although we were laughing today that we might need a third party to help us with our definition of "non-essential."
I do have an exception to this. Mom and I planned a trip to Seattle this Saturday to take Kaitlin to the American Girl Store ~ it's part of her birthday. And there's pretty much no way I can rationalize that into being essential....But I didn't realize when we planned this trip quite some time ago, that I would be doing this sacrifice.
I also plan on adding a spiritual discipline. On Sunday, our pastor challenged us to fast for lunch (or any meal) on Thursday of each week and commit that time instead, to prayer. And when we're hungry, to turn our thoughts to prayer & God. I've never spiritually fasted before. I usually eat 5-6 times a day (or more ~ I'm a snacker)...so this one isn't going to be easy either. Not only in that regard but, from the standpoint of actually taking the time to sit.
Be still.
In our women's bible study, we've been learning about the women of the bible, most recently Martha and Mary. I am a "Martha." Busy "doing" and easily prioritizing tasks over my quiet time. But in the next 40 days, I'm going to try to do as Mary did...sit at the feet of Jesus, and be a devoted learner. I'm excited to do this. My plan for Thursdays is to feed the children, get Andrew on the bus, Kaitlin down for quiet time and then spend an hour reading & praying and focused on the scriptures I share below.
For the last few weeks, I've felt like the message our pastor has delivered (which has been on the Sermon on the Mount) has been written specifically for me. This Sunday was no different. It started with the prayer of Confession that read....
"O Master, we confess that there are times when it is easier to trust in ourselves than to trust in you; that it is easier to live by sight, rather than to walk in faith. It is easier to cave in to fear, than to believe that you are still at work for good. We believe; help us in our unbelief. O Heavenly Father, grant us the peace for your forgiveness through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."
This is a point of tension in my faith. Questioning, where does God act and where is it simply people exerting their free will? Where do I see God's hand in my life? I have struggle with the concept of "Letting go, and letting God." It's an area that I need to make peace with and grow in....in fact that prayer of confession is me, word for word. I like things to be concrete. Explained. Tested & Proved. I like to be able to see the road ahead. I want to know the plan.
And yet, I know if things were that way....there would be no choice. There would be no faith. There would just be facts.
There was something that happened in 2008 that I've desperately wanted closure with. Dan as well. And it hasn't come. For 3 1/2 years, it hasn't come. And it's been hard. For both of us. And lately, it's been really hard. I'm trying to trust in God's plan for our life....I'm trying hard to remind myself of how desperate I felt at times in 2008 and how faithless I felt at times as well...and yet, in retrospect I can clearly see the hand of God in the details. And so I am trying to apply that lesson now, to know that even though I can't see the path being laid, that it's there. I'm trying to walk in faith. But I'm not going to lie, it's tough, when really I'd just like to have control of everything myself. See the plan. Know the plan.
But I'm striving to trust.
So I'm going to spend Lent focused on this...praying about this topic, praying the prayer of confession, working on trusting what I cannot see, giving up the desire for control...and meditating on these verses.....
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who are you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~ Matthew 6:27-27
The Psalm that was a comfort to me years ago & comforts me to this day....
Psalm 121
"I lift up my eyes to the hills --
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip--
he who watches over you will not
slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you--
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all
harm
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming
and going
both now and forevermore."
And the verse I first read in 2008 with a deeply hurting and questioning heart, and now I read these words and know the truth that lives in them.
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ~ Romans 5:1-5
A couple of other meaningful favorites...
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12: 8 - 10
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13
And finally, quite simply....
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." ~ Hebrews 11:1
I'm looking forward to the challenge of the weeks ahead....
To stay focused.
Sit.
Be still.
Be a devoted learner & harder yet, listener.
To sit at the feet of God and see how my faith evolves.
...to see what I learn from my Lenton sacrifice & discipline.
Wishing you all a blessed season of Lent!
