Lenton Lessons & A Thank You

This photo is from St. Patrick's day.  You'll probably see it again on my St. Patrick's Day post.  It doesn't really go with this one but I'm too lazy to download anything off my camera right now!

Thank you for the sweet messages after my last post (prior to the birthday post).  We're all really okay.  I just really want this blog to accurately reflect our life.  I want to do that in such a way that I'm respectful of my children and yet, because I believe that we will come through all of these challenges someday in a positive way, I think sharing the hard days makes the successes even sweeter.  I feel like acknowledging the challenge and difficulty is an important part of the journey and the process we are going through right now.  Last week was a tough one.  And we have some things to work through and I am seeing that I am needing to advocate for Andrew in a new way, so I have another leg ahead of me before we sort of hit "cruise" control again.  It's just one of the bumpy parts of the journey, but I know it'll smooth out again.

It means a lot though, to have friends and family who love and support all of us like you do.  And I'm so glad that I made this blog private so that I could share authentically about our life in this way.

Now, about Lent.

Remember I was observing the Sabbath for Lent?

I did really well.  Up until yesterday.  But every other Sunday I didn't work around the house at all.  And it was hard.

It was really good though.  I learned quite a few things.  Here are some of them....

*  This was very good for my family.  Dan remarked that it felt like "a vacation every week."  It really did.  Compared to how we usually live life, this was a wonderful respite for us and really did help us feel more energetic, happier and ready to face the week.  It really did recharge us and made a difference in how we felt throughout the week.  Remarkably so.  It was food for the soul and I found myself really looking forward to it ~ especially near the end of the week!

*  I learned that I can do this and my life really won't fall apart.  At least not completely.  :)  Some Sundays it was really hard to ignore the tasks that begged my attention around the house.  (I actually felt relief when I was able to tend to them later!)  And Monday would arrive and I would be less prepared for the week than usual but I found that I could usually catch up throughout the week and felt like the rest was definitely worth it.

That being said, I did have to be very, very disciplined through the week.  I was mindful all week and especially on Saturday that Sabbath was coming and I knew I wouldn't have that time so I had to be more efficient and purposeful about what I was accomplishing each day so that I could have that day off and be as stress free as possible about it.  It required me to use my time very wisely.

*  Planning my week out ahead of time (my schedule, to dos and meal planning) was essential so I could hit the ground running and was able to allocate when I needed to do everything so that I was able to get it all done.  Or as much as possible.  "All" is never done.  I'd be more accurate to say, "...so that I was able to get a fraction of it done."

*  So here's my big "Ah-ha."  That is really probably not that big to others, but it's big for me.

Prior to Lent I had this idea that if I'm organized enough, or if I simplify enough, or if I (fill in the blank) enough, I'll be able to manage life with ease.  I'll get it all done.  My house will always be tidy and clean.  I will be well rested.  After trying many things I've learned that for me, at the stage that I'm at, with the ages my kids are, the schedule we have and the choices we make with how we spend our time....it is a fallacy.  The "ideal" in my mind just isn't possible. 

There just simply isn't enough time.  I'm pulled in too many directions right now, which is okay.  It's just the stage we're at right now.  And while I've made strides with being more organized, simplifying and streamlining a lot of things and have definitely seen improvement,  I just have to let go of this standard I have in my mind and give myself a little bit of grace.  Whether we rest on Sunday or not, there will always be more to do.

Because of that, I have to let it go and give myself (and my family) permission to rest.  Guilt free ~ even if there is still "more to be done".  Because if I keep putting off rest until everything is done or I'm just so worn out I can't physically go anymore (my usual way of doing things), I'm just tired all the time and we don't have regular down time as a family for leisure.  And you know what?  I'm still not on top of everything anyway, so we might as well rest and enjoy some down time!

*  I also just really enjoyed how the day felt.  It felt very set apart from the bustle of the week.  We would go to church, come home and change into comfortable clothes and relax as a family.  Life slowed down.  It really did feel like a vacation every week.  It was wonderful. 

So those are a few of the lessons I've learned.  Really the biggest, most important thing was how very, very restorative and healthy it was for me and my family and submitting to the fact that I just can't do it all right now and resting in spite of it.  And honestly, letting my perfectionistic tendencies go ~ and that's hard for me and my pride.  But I plan to try to keep the Sabbath from now on as best as I can.  Not just for me, but for my whole family.  We all  need it. And I highly recommend trying this yourself if you feel like it's an area you need to grow in.

Lent

I love Lent.

I love Christmas too. 

I can easily get swept up into all the fun traditions...gingerbread houses, Christmas lights, train rides, movies, cookies, wonderful time with friends and family, oh and lets not forget gifts and decorations!  And then pretty soon, our celebration turns more into more of a birthday party and a little less about the actual reason we celebrate Christmas to begin with.

I'm guilty of it every year.

But Lent is different.  Sure there's an easter egg hunt, and a fun basket of treats and my favorite ~ a pretty dress ~ waiting on the other end. 

But there's no sweet birth story.  No birthday party. 

There's a betrayal. 
Cruelty. 
And the ultimate sacrifice.  

For me.

One that I feel unworthy of, even on my best days. 

And ultimately...hope. 

It's a story that moves me to my core. 

It's a time for personal sacrifice and reflection.  A time to prepare and grow closer to God. 

And while I love Christmas, I have to say, as my faith has grown, Lent has become my favorite time of year.

I love doing a Lenton sacrifice.  Last year I gave up shopping.
It was HARD.  Hard, hard.  Harder than I'd like to admit.

Dan loved it.  :)

But that's the point.  It's supposed to be hard.  This year, I am observing the Sabbath for Lent.

I know that probably sounds easy, but for me, it's not.
I'm a little addicted to productivity.  I'm a girl on the go, and I struggle greatly with resting.  I'm a bit of a taskmaster.  (I'm certain Dan is nodding his head right now).

After I came home from the hospital with Kaitlin (& back surgery) I was very quickly "all done" with being laid up and determined to get out.  I thought I could do two small stops with Shannon.  We made it into one store...poor Shannon ended up pushing both of our strollers back to the van and then I waited in the van in frustration while she ran into the next place for me.  In retrospect, it was ridiculous, but such an example of how I am not good at resting even when I'm physically limited.  I'm often staying up later than I should.  Trying to fit more in my week than I should.  And increasingly, I'm noticing that my body is protesting. 

I always have a to do list that I'm working through.  Always a project.  Always a purpose.

And I don't confess that pridefully.  I don't think that's really the best way to live life.  It is such an easy pitfall in our culture though.  We pride ourselves on our accomplishments, not on how well we rest.

 But living that way doesn't make room for things that are really important in life.  Things that I really do value but don't have space for right now because of how I choose to live. Because let's face it, our (my family's) schedule, our activities, our commitments, are all things that I choose.  Yes, some things feel more like responsibilities (OT), but even that is a choice that I make based on a priority/value in my life.  And we won't even talk about the things I do for holidays/birthday parties, because we all know that falls into the "ridiculous" category and can easily be pared down to simplify life and make room for other things. 

Every so often there will be a sermon on observing the sabbath.  After all, it is a commandment.
My ears always perk up.  I sit a little taller in the pew.  I listen carefully, and nod my head.  It all makes perfect sense.  I scribble a few notes, and then I go home and by Tuesday I've forgotten and I fall back into my whirlwind pace that I keep.

The problem is, I'm pretty much the pacemaker of our life for our family.  So, my choices impact 4 other people and I'm questioning the choices I am making for them.  I am going to have to be an example to our children on how to maintain a proper work/rest balance.  By my choices, I am essentially training them to be on the go.  To not know how to just "be" at home without purpose.  Entertainment.  I wouldn't say it's a real issue yet, but I'm sure if I continue on, it will be. 

Honestly, there is part of me that is a little fearful.  I don't feel like I have time to observe the sabbath.  I need that day.  I wonder, will our house completely fall apart?  Will I be able to get everything done that I need to each week?  I'm sure I will have to restructure how I do things.  I'm sure this will lead to other sacrifices that I will have to make about how I spend my time and what I take on.  The hard truth is that we make time for things that are important to us.  We live life according to our values and priorities.  I used to not have time for church every Sunday either.  Now we rarely miss.  It's a priority.  And it's one of my favorite things to do each week. 

When I told Dan my sacrifice he was really happy.  He said, "You need to do that."

I really do.

Have a Blessed Lent!

Good Friday

I posted this video last year, and just wanted to post it again.  I love it.
Like most people, there have been times in my life when I've been in the midst of suffering and I couldn't see "sunday comin'."
I've learned that in life, there's a gap between suffering and redemption that as a Christian, faith & hope has to fill. And that isn't always easy.
I feel like this video illustrates that beautifully.

Wishing you all a Blessed Easter!

Ash Wednesday.

My posts are just all over the place. I'm going to get back to Kaitlin's birthday and Valentine's day, but I just have to record something that happened this evening.

It's been a busy day.
I got the boys off to school then came home for a half hour, scurried around doing laundry and getting things ready to go...headed off to a Dr. appt and then was home for 45 minutes before heading out to get the boys from school.  Came home and got ready for Tae Kwon Do, gave the kids snacks, did everyone's reading with them and headed out after an hour and fifteen minutes of being at home to go to Tae Kwon Do.

Andrew had a rough time.  The 45 min. wait while Matthew was in class wasn't fun for either of us and by the time he went to class he struggled so much that he had a stripe removed from the teacher.

Dan met us there and we headed to Quizno's for a quick sandwich.  The kids were being totally crazy while we were trying to order and our moods dissolved into grumpiness. We ate quickly and headed to church for 6pm Ash Wednesday service.

I really wanted to go to the service, but was also dreading it because the kids were DONE.  We were done.  I was just ready to put everyone to bed.

Dan boldly sat in the 3rd row.

Turned out, the kids were great.
But the best part that totally turned it all around...and of all days to leave my iphone in the van...I missed one of Kaitlin's all time funniest moments.

This story will in no way do justice to the scene that unfolded.  I know it isn't something that can be read and the humor of the situation understood, it's something that had to be seen.  But by recording this here, someday Dan and I will re-read this post and remember this moment and see the image in our mind and have another good laugh.

In fact, I keep thinking about it and laughing all over again.  I was just washing my face and laughing in the bathroom and Dan heard me from the other room and said, "That was something else, wasn't it?"

:)

So, Kaitlin is all about the music in church.
She loves it.
We sang the first song, and she was into it.  She learned the last word of the chorus and would sing it loudly when it would come along.
That was her warm up.
By the time the last song came around, she was ready to go.
Dan had her standing on the pew in front of us, with his arm around her waist, and as the congregation sang "The Wonderous Cross" Kaitlin did this dance, complete with arm and leg movements, dramatic facial expressions and lip syncing that would put any Charismatic Evangelical church to shame.  I think she might grow someday to find our conservative Presbyterian worship style to be too restrictive for her.  :)

Dan and I could not look at each other because the moment we'd make eye contact we'd dissolve into laughter.  It got so bad that I could not even look at Kaitlin, which is somewhat disappointing as I would have loved to have watched the whole display.  The girl put her heart into it and kept it going through the whole song.  I was sitting there laughing that silent laugh you know, when you're completely out of control and your whole body shakes and tears are going down your cheeks?
That one.

I'm telling you, that girl is something else....

Lent

(This is one of those posts I have to offer a disclaimer.  It's very long.  There aren't any photos, other than the one above.  It's not a post that I've written with the expectation that anyone would read, though you're welcome to, this is a post that I've written for myself....)

Lent quietly came out of no where for me this year.  Does it always start in February?  I'm not sure...I've been so busy that I haven't felt like the season of Lent should be upon us yet.  But I do love this season for many reasons.

I enjoy this time where we strive with focused attention to put our faith at the forefront of our daily life.
I love the hope of the season and the Easter message.
I especially love Holy Week.
For me, Holy Week holds the most moving services and message of the Christian faith.
And I do love that the plants start blooming, the earth awakens and Spring bursts forth. 
Green shoots peeking out of the ground make me smile as I dream of sunny days ahead, dinners on the back patio and fewer daily demands.

Oh, and truth be told, of course I do love a good Easter dress.

And just as I love setting goals for the New Year, I enjoy the prospect of a Lenton sacrifice.  Or a Lenton discipline.  As a stay at home Mom, my life holds a lot of circular routine with very little personal measurable achievement.  Of course there are parenting successes that evolve over time, and the 10 minutes that I get to enjoy a clean house before toys land on the floor, or the 30 minutes that the laundry is caught up before everyone changes into pajamas....you get the idea.  And while I love ~ truly love ~ doing this and know that for me, it's what my heart is called to do, I do crave measurable personal growth.  Lent provides a great opportunity for that with the focus being growth in my faith.

I've thought a lot about what my Lenton sacrifice would be this year.  And I've chosen something really hard for me.  In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit that it's this hard, but it is.

And so I confess....

Hello, my name is Kathy and I'm a children's clothing addict.

As if you couldn't have surmised that already.

I love kids clothes.  And it isn't just sweet girly dresses, I had fun dressing my little men too.  (Until Dan told me that if I didn't stop dressing Matthew the way that I was he'd get beat up on the playground).   I am definitely not practical about this.  Not even close.  And while I've made great strides in my move to simplify our life and stuff, this is an area I'm failing at.  Miserably.

And so I've decided to give up not just buying clothes for the kids, but all non-essential shopping.  (Did you just hear Dan cheering with excitement? ) :)  This is going to be hard for me.  But I'm determined.  In fact, I have a friend that shares my addiction that is joining me with this and we plan to support one another with this sacrifice.  Although we were laughing today that we might need a third party to help us with our definition of "non-essential."

I do have an exception to this.  Mom and I planned a trip to Seattle this Saturday to take Kaitlin to the American Girl Store ~ it's part of her birthday.  And there's pretty much no way I can rationalize that into being essential....But I didn't realize when we planned this trip quite some time ago, that I would be doing this sacrifice.

I also plan on adding a spiritual discipline.  On Sunday, our pastor challenged us to fast for lunch (or any meal) on Thursday of each week and commit that time instead, to prayer.  And when we're hungry, to turn our thoughts to prayer & God.  I've never spiritually fasted before.  I usually eat 5-6 times a day (or more ~ I'm a snacker)...so this one isn't going to be easy either.  Not only in that regard but, from the standpoint of actually taking the time to sit.

Be still. 

In our women's bible study, we've been learning about the women of the bible, most recently Martha and Mary.  I am a "Martha."  Busy "doing" and easily prioritizing tasks over my quiet time.  But in the next 40 days, I'm going to try to do as Mary did...sit at the feet of Jesus, and be a devoted learner.  I'm excited to do this.  My plan for Thursdays is to feed the children, get Andrew on the bus, Kaitlin down for quiet time and then spend an hour reading & praying and focused on the scriptures I share below.

For the last few weeks, I've felt like the message our pastor has delivered (which has been on the Sermon on the Mount) has been written specifically for me.  This Sunday was no different.  It started with the prayer of Confession that read....

"O Master, we confess that there are times when it is easier to trust in ourselves than to trust in you; that it is easier to live by sight, rather than to walk in faith.  It is easier to cave in to fear, than to believe that you are still at work for good.  We believe; help us in our unbelief.  O Heavenly Father, grant us the peace for your forgiveness through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen."

This is a point of tension in my faith.  Questioning, where does God act and where is it simply people exerting their free will?  Where do I see God's hand in my life?  I have struggle with the concept of "Letting go, and letting God."  It's an area that I need to make peace with and grow in....in fact that prayer of confession is me, word for word.  I like things to be concrete.  Explained.  Tested & Proved.   I like to be able to see the road ahead.  I want to know the plan.

And yet, I know if things were that way....there would be no choice.  There would be no faith.  There would just be facts.

There was something that happened in 2008 that I've desperately wanted closure with.  Dan as well.  And it hasn't come.  For 3 1/2 years, it hasn't come.  And it's been hard.  For both of us.  And lately, it's been really hard.  I'm trying to trust in God's plan for our life....I'm trying hard to remind myself of how desperate I felt at times in 2008 and how faithless I felt at times as well...and yet, in retrospect I can clearly see the hand of God in the details.  And so I am trying to apply that lesson now, to know that even though I can't see the path being laid, that it's there.  I'm trying to walk in faith.  But I'm not going to lie, it's tough, when really I'd just like to have control of everything myself.  See the plan.  Know the plan.

But I'm striving to trust.

So I'm going to spend Lent focused on this...praying about this topic, praying the prayer of confession, working on trusting what I cannot see, giving up the desire for control...and meditating on these verses.....

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who are you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  ~ Matthew 6:27-27

The Psalm that was a comfort to me years ago & comforts me to this day....

Psalm 121
"I lift up my eyes to the hills --
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, 
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip--
he who watches over you will not 
slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you--
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all
harm
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming 
and going
both now and forevermore." 


And the verse I first read in 2008 with a deeply hurting and questioning heart, and now I read these words and know the truth that lives in them.


"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  ~ Romans 5:1-5

A couple of other meaningful favorites...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  ~ 2 Corinthians 12: 8 - 10

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13

And finally, quite simply....

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." ~ Hebrews 11:1

I'm looking forward to the challenge of the weeks ahead....
To stay focused.
Sit.
Be still.
Be a devoted learner & harder yet, listener.
To sit at the feet of God and see how my faith evolves.
...to see what I learn from my Lenton sacrifice & discipline.

Wishing you all a blessed season of Lent!

Ash Wednesday ~ Lent

We have had such a nice Ash Wednesday.

Andrew, Katie and I decorated the house for Easter.  Then they strung plastic Easter eggs and grass

all

over

the

house.

Fun, indeed. :)

On a side note, we had swim lessons tonight.  ~Which made for a busy night as we went to church right afterward.  I will be really happy to be done with swim lessons.  I told Dan that watching Andrew do swim lessons is a little like that show that was on when we were little..."One of these kids is doing their own thing..."  and there'd be four kids ~ three jump roping and one juggling.  Andrew would be the juggler.

Bless his heart. :)

That is, he's the juggler if he's not sitting on the wall....Inevitably Matthew then catches Andrew's attention (they have lessons at the same time) and motions for him to go under water so they can look at each other. 

I loathe the locker room change after lessons are over.  Kaitlin twisting up in the changing room curtain while Andrew laughs hysterically at her and the boys somehow forget how to dry or dress themselves....I inevitably get grumpy and annoyed.

So, tonight we were heading to swim lessons and I said cheerfully, "Guess what?! Daddy is going to meet us at swim lessons."  Andrew rolls his eyes and says,

"Great.  Now I'll get into even bigger trouble."   Poor kid. :) It's rare for the drive home after swim lessons to not include a fairly severe lecture.

So we went to swim lessons and the boys were SO GOOD.  (Not just because Dan was there ~ he's gone before).  Andrew did not have to sit on the wall ONCE.  This is a major accomplishment.  He participated the whole time and did everything he was supposed to!  It was amazing!  Matthew was really good and didn't distract him.  We had an uneventful change into church clothes (much easier with Daddy there to help) and then we were off to church.  Where Andrew got a fantastic review upon retrieving him and the Bug from the nursery.  Miss Helen said he was a "Great helper." I was really proud of him. (And yes, we lavished him with praise).

Matthew came to church with us and was so sweet.  He sat between us and prayed when he was supposed to ("I didn't know what to say, so I said the Lord's Prayer.  I forgot to say the Nicene Creed.") :)  It was really fun having him there.  I really love Ash Wednesday service.  We took him up with us to receive the sign of the cross on his forehead.

It was late when we got out of church and we were all starving so we went for a very quick dinner to one of the kids' favorites (and my least favorite) ~ McDonald's.  Happy Meals all around and even ice cream cones for dessert because the boys were SO good.  All the way to the restaurant Katie said, "Mama, are you happy?  I'm very, very happy." (Because she was going to McDonald's).

Since Lent is a season of preparation and sacrifice...Dan is taking on exercising and I'm joining him in that commitment. The sacrifice that comes with that for both of us is giving up free time. And sleep (I exercise first thing in the morning so I have to get up earlier~ which means an earlier bed time and less of my precious evening free time). We both have some bible reading commitments as well. I'm almost embarrassed to admit what our sacrifice is because our sacrifice is supposed to keep us focused on Christ's sacrifice. And ours is well, so lame in comparison. But I will keep that in mind when the alarm goes off and I really just want to go back to sleep instead of getting on the elliptical.

I really liked what our youth pastor said tonight, that "Preparation gives value to things" the idea that we should prepare for Easter rather than just arriving at it. I enjoy the challenge of Lent and the opportunity to focus on our faith and be intentional with our actions. I actually think I prefer the season of Lent to the Season of Advent. I love the message of Easter. I love that I'm not as distracted during this time as I am at Christmas. It's really a time of focus on our faith and I've really grown to love it.

Have a Blessed Season of Lent!